I bet you're probably wondering what little nugget of wisdom I plan to impart to y'all. Truth is, this isn't one of those kinds of postings.

I've just been thinking about a few things lately, as I am sure y'all know.

I started thinking about food because of my friends who talked about eating too much during the holidays.

How important is food in our lives? Not just the necessity of food to keep us alive, but food in general. Think about it. Birthdays, holidays, gatherings, celebrations, comfort. Food plays a huge role in our lives. But what happens when it plays too important of a role?

I have been a heavy guy for as long as I can remember. Actually, I do remember being thin when I was 5. Soon after, I began gaining weight. My last therapist believed that my weight gain was a result of being sexually abused. To some degree, I would agree with her. There was, however, a factor she didn't consider.

My mother.

No, she didn't force-feed me or anything. But I learned early on that food was the answer to just about anything. If you're hungry, eat. Bored, eat. Upset, eat. Happy, eat. Depressed, eat. I think you get the idea.

I wont say that I blame her 100%. I'd like to think I could have kept myself from eating do much as I got older. Unfortunately, I don't think I could. I was a kid who was hurting in ways that no kid should have to deal with, let alone deal with them on their own. No one was asking if I was alright and I wasn't able to say, "I'm not okay." Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be as screwed up now as I am. Fortunately, I have finally learned to not feel guilty for not saying anything.

Nowadays, I don't overeat that much. Usually, it's that I forget to eat that is the problem. Lately, though, I had found myself finding comfort in food. Not a great thing when I'm stuck in bed and gaining weight from it. So, I post this as a way to remind myself that food is not an answer to depression, joy, boredom, etc. It sucks that I unconsciously still reach for junk food to placate myself.

First off, Darin & I would like to wish all my readers a Happy Christmas and a fun, safe New Year's.

Christmas was a good one in our house this year. Last year, Darin had lost his job and I had no income and we were forced to move back to Louisiana. So you can imagine that just about anything would be better this year. I got my back pay so we were able to make up some for the past year.

Darin has really come a long way from that first year when he gave me a Dawn Dish Brush. No really, he thought that was a good gift. As he said, "it moves." This year, he surprised me in a good way with a Blu-Ray player and the Harry Potter : HBP blu-ray. He got a Cuisinart Food Processor, so you know he was in heaven. We also spent Christmas day with Darin's family. I'm sure my Meme would be so happy to know that they took very good care of me this year for her.

As you can imagine, its been tough on me. Dealing with her passing, my issues, my past and my current state of depression has taken a toll on me. At least I finally have people around me who care about me unconditionally. I'm sure this might upset some people to read that but it's how I feel.

Yesterday, we got to spend time with our friends Chris and Jason, who are visiting from Philadelphia. They have lots of people to visit with, but it was nice that they were able to meet us for lunch. Here they are at Chili's:

Don't they just look too cute together? I also took another photo during lunch. Those of y'all who are up on your gay-speak will understand why this is so funny. I know Jason did!

(I am sooooo waiting for comments on this one! Yes, I mean my gays! Well, and Karen. ha!)

Now, you've gotten the low-down on my holiday weekend. I know some are wondering how I am feeling.

Well, I wish I could say I felt great.

Or even good.

I'd settle for just 'ok'.

I've been going through the motions so that those around me won't worry about me any more than they already do. Of course, this is tiring. This is how I know that the meds need to get changed tomorrow when I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner. That and I really hope I get some kind of anxiety medication. Maybe then the 'good' feeling won't have to be faked quite so much.

I hadn't realized that I hadn't shared my news with my readers.

Yes, I know I have been lax in my blogging lately. And yes, I will explain why.

First, my news.

After 3 1/2 years, I am now officially a cripple.

That's right folks. I have been declared disabled and will start receiving Medicare and hopefully, Medicaid. Also, it will be nice to get a small income each month. Emphasis on the small. But, some is better than none.

Fortunately, my back pay arrived in time for Christmas. It wasn't anywhere near what I'd hope for, but at least we could have a good Christmas to make up for a year of missed occasions and holidays.

Thanks to those who've been praying for this and to those who supported me through this fight. You have no idea how much it has meant to me to know that I have people in my corner.

I had a really busy weekend. And yes, I am paying for it now.

After doing some grocery shopping on Friday, I spent Saturday recuperating and resting up for Sunday.

On Sunday we first went to one of Darin's high-school classmate's houses for a viewing party for the Saints' football game against Atlanta - which the Saints won! How exciting is it to have the home team at 13-0 for the first time in franchise history?? It was basically a potluck type event (we brought gumbo) with some of her friends and a number of people from their high school days. The best thing I ate was this cream cheese/pudding trifle kind of stuff that Darin's friend Rene made. And yes, I'm getting the recipe.

After the Saints viewing party, we headed over to Circle Bowl in Baton Rouge for Darin's work Christmas party. To be honest, I was completely bored and hurting from the first party. Barely anyone said more than hello to me and people kept blocking me from seeing the games. At two points, I made Darin let me take a shot since I couldn't participate more. I was so happy when we left!

After all that, we should have gone straight home. But, I wanted books from the library. I'm glad we did go because they had one on hold and never sent us a notification email! And it's a brand-new one I've been waiting for. We also got Craig Ferguson's new autobiography. If you're a fan of his late night talk show, it's a must-read!

So, it was a good weekend, although I'm still paying for all the time I spent out of bed. Yippee.

Well, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Fortunately she has a lot of notes from my counselor so I did not have to talk too much about my issues. I had to quick her a quick background on my situation but she had the bulk of it already, saving me from having to do it. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in therapy for a reason ... but it's easier to not have to talk about things.

We knew finding medications that would work for me was going to be tough. I've tried a number of medications in the past, with little-to-no success. Also, if there is a side effect that less than 1% will get, I'll be that 1%. Wellbutrin gave me suicidal thoughts, cymbalta made me violently nauseous for 2 1/2 months, lexapro gave me migraines ... you get the picture.

So, we're weaning me off of the celexa (which has done nothing) and re-introducing Effexor (it had worked briefly for me in the past, then stopped) and adding Abilify to my daily medications. I'll be going back on the 28th to see her again and at that appointment she may start me on Xanax or another anxiety medication. We'll also discuss my sleeping medications. Most nights I am doing pretty well with what I am taking but she wants to get it to where I'm sleeping well every night.

What is great is that I got the meds for FREE.

Yes, I said FREE.

Starting January 1st, I will have medicare too and that will pay for 80% and the state will pay the other 20% until I get approved for medicaid. I am so glad we finally found places to help me. Wish we'd found them sooner!

Oh, we have a long-term goal too. Sandy (my psychiatrist) wants to eventually send me to an activity center. Basically, it's an adult daycare. People go there to interact with people, do activities, eat lunch with others and to participate in group therapy. I have issues with being around groups of people now (because of being a shut-in), so that's a ways off. But it's nice to have goals.

If you're a long-time reader of my blog, you might remember when I wrote a posting about Shiloh Pepin, the little girl known on TLC as "the mermaid girl." She had been born with "mermaid syndrome" where her legs were fused together as one. Through appearances on Oprah, TLC and various other shows, Shiloh stole the hearts of millions and educated a lot of people on her condition.

I just found out that on October 24th, Shiloh passed away in Maine Medical Center after two weeks of fighting pneumonia.

Shiloh was a fifth-grader at Kennebunkport Consolidated School. "She was such a shining personality in that building," said Maureen King, chairwoman of the board of the regional school district.

She was such an inspiration to so many people and it's nice to see that despite the doctors predicting a survival of a few days, she spent 10 happy years on Earth.

Well folks, the time has finally come that I will finally get to see the psychiatrist at the clinic I've been going to. I've been seeing a counselor there for the past three months and while that has been helpful, it's not enough. It's time we finally figure out my medicine so that I'm not so anxious or depressed.

I'm on a few things now: vestiril, remeron, celexa.

Unfortunately, the celexa doesn't help at all. The remeron is working perfectly and I am actually sleeping pretty well most nights. The vestiril should help more than it does, but at least it has helped ward off the night terrors that kept me from sleeping so many nights.

Well, I had another appointment with my counselor on Monday. Mostly we talked about my meds and the letter about my disability approval. That's really how I knew my anti-depressant isn't doing anything. You'd think that getting monumental news like disability approval would at least lift my spirits some, if not a lot. But no, it wasn't even a blip on my emotions. Thankfully, my counselor agrees with me.

So, tomorrow at 9am I will see the psychiatrist for the first time.

We'll see how it goes and report back to y'all.

I know I haven't been blogging a much as I used to, or even as much as I would like to. Things have been tough around here, but should be looking up soon. To try to motivate myself to blog more, I have created a fan page on Facebook that is nearing 100 fans - way more than I have following me!

If you're on Facebook, check out the fan page here. My plan is to use it to post blog reminders, get feedback/suggestions and also to encourage people to read other blogs/articles that I find interesting. If you're not 'friends' with me on Facebook, you can find me here.

Hope to see y'all there!