NOT So Straight From The Hip

Doctors

2010-10-20T16:53:00.003-05:00

Today I had my first appointment with my new pain doctor.

I gotta say ... I like him a lot.

He reminded me of a bigger Anderson Cooper.

Meowwwww.

The appointment went very well. He was going to suggest a CPAP machine, but I am already on one. He wanted to suggest therapy, but I am already doing water therapy. It was nice to hear him say that I sound motivated to get better.

And I am. I'm tired of 'just' maintaining. I am ready to have more of my life back.

And this doctor thinks he can do that for me.

Over the next two months, I am supposed to lose as much weight as I possibly can through diet and exercise. I will be going to water therapy three times each week and totally changing my diet.

No cheese.

No red meat.

No eating after 8 pm.

Help!

The no cheese thing is really painful. I can live without red meat and the no late night eating ... but cheese?? Lord help me!

The good news from today is that the doctor thinks I am a perfect candidate for a spinal stimulator. Basically, it is a wire that is implanted into my back that turns the pain off. It would allow me to function at a higher rate. That sounds great to me.

Charity

2010-10-08T17:51:00.002-05:00

WORLD CLASS SALONS PRESENTS

3RD ANNUAL LINGERIE FASHION SHOW

To Benefit Breast Cancer Research

Hosted at Centre Salon & Spa

15400 64th Ave., Unit E11, Arvada

OCTOBER 23, 2010

SILENT AUCTION AT 6PM, FASHION SHOW AT 7:30PM

TICKETS: $35 or 2 for $50; VIP $75

FOR INFORMATION: Call 303.371.0437

Plug

2010-10-08T17:11:00.002-05:00

We have a found a great hair salon here in Denver.

We were worried that we wouldn't be able to find a good place to get our haircuts. We had been spoiled back in Louisiana because Darin's cousin was a hair stylist and had gone to her for the past 18 months.

Darin googled hair salons close by and found one called Eminently Hair Salon. They are an Aveda hair salon.

Here's the great thing about the place (besides a great hair cut) .... The first hair cut is ONLY $11. After that, it goes up to $20, I believe. Also, when you refer people to the salon, you get a free shampoo and conditioner for the first referral and $19 worth of product for the second referral. How great is that?

You're probably wondering if it was any good. The answer is YES.

We both got ours cut by Lindsay and we highly recommend her. She is sweet and knows what she is doing. She also gives an excellent head and neck massage as part of your service.

If you're in Denver or Lakewood, I strongly urge you to try them. Their number is 303-233-8089.

If you do decide to go there, make sure to tell them that David Hans sent you. I need the product. ha!

Therapy

2010-10-08T12:43:00.002-05:00

Well, I have good news.

Nice change, eh?

I found a therapy pool. The best part about it is that it is 1 minute from our house down the street. If you're in Denver, it's at the Easter Seals Colorado facility in Lakewood.

Yesterday I had my first therapy session in almost two years and boy am I sore from it. I did an hour or so of light cardio then rested for a bit and took a class where we did cardio, weights (I had to use 1lb weights unfortunately) and stretching.

I have also begun a diet.

Well, I'm trying to.

I have begun eating my salads with tuna (for protein) again and yesterday I found a deal at King Soopers for $1.65 lean cuisine meals.

Now I just have to avoid the ice cream and potato chips!

National Pasta Month

2010-10-01T20:54:00.002-05:00

Did you know it's National Pasta Month?

Neither did I.

I will take advantage of it though!

Speaking of pasta, Darin & I discovered a great restaurant here in Denver called Noodles & Company. It's not one I had heard of before but damn was it ever good.

They do Asian, American and Mediterranean pasta bowls plus sandwiches, soups and salads. Both Darin and I had Japanese pan noodles with braised beef that was outstanding. If you have a location in your city, you need to check the place out. We got the pasta bowl with the beef and a side salad/soup for only $7.50.

Definitely worth going back.

Check it out!

Update

2010-10-01T20:44:00.002-05:00

Seems like I am always apologizing for not writing blog posts sooner.

So I won't apologize this time.

Nothing much has really been going on except for us getting settled in the new home. As you probably know, we have moved to Denver for Darin's new job. Well, it was new two months ago anyways.

Mostly I have been unpacking and resting. Thanks to my back, I cannot do a whole lot before I have to rest. Fortunately, there is no timeline on getting things settled. It is killing me that I cannot do it faster though. I like things in their place and not everything is yet. Most of it is though.

On the doctor front, I have found a pain doctor and hopefully they'll keep me on as a patient. It would really suck if they do not because I will have to go without medication.

[pausing for kisses from my dog]

Speaking of the dogs, Pokey & Dakota are adjusting well to the new home. Dakota took no time at all actually. Pokey has been adjusting slowly. He doesn't like strangers and there are lots of people around when we go outside to do 'business'. He'll learn to get over it though.

So, now y'all are caught up :)

Recipe

2010-10-01T20:41:00.003-05:00

Here is one for the Fall season that I found on Allrecipes.com that I would like to try.

Pumpkin Whoopie Pies

Ingredients

2 cups packed brown sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups solid pack pumpkin puree
2 eggs
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
1/2 tablespoon ground ginger
1/2 tablespoon ground cloves
1 egg white
2 tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups confectioners' sugar
3/4 cup shortening

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease baking sheets.
Combine the oil and brown sugar. Mix in the pumpkin and eggs, beating well. Add the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, 1 teaspoon vanilla, cinnamon, ginger and cloves. Mix well.
Drop dough by heaping teaspoons onto the prepared baking sheets. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 10 to 12 minutes. Let cookies cool then make sandwiches from two cookies filled with Whoopie Pie Filling.
To Make Whoopie Pie Filling: Beat egg white and mix with the milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla and 1 cup of the confectioners' sugar. Mix well then beat in the shortening and the remaining cup of confectioners' sugar. Beat until light and fluffy.

I Have Landed!

2010-09-21T21:30:00.003-05:00

Well folks, the day has finally come. I am now a resident of Denver!

Yesterday I flew from New Orleans to my new home. Someone must have been smiling on me! First, I got the seat I wanted ("stretch" seating with 5 inches extra leg room) and then no one was seated next to me. So, I got in the middle seat and stretched out. I even got to watch part of the Saints game on the free DirectTV I got on the flight. Lastly, we arrived 20 minutes EARLY. They had some very friendly people drive me through the airport to the baggage claim where, just as we pulled up, my bag was coming around the belt. How is that for timing?

If you ever get the chance, I totally recommend FRONTIER AIRLINES. Not only was my experience great, I only had to pay $99 for the ticket (direct flight) and $15 to upgrade my seat.

Great, huh?

Now I'm just getting to know my surroundings and today, I had a doctor's appointment. I am really hoping they will keep me on as a patient. I don't think they should be a problem with my lab work or my records. The place is only 10 minutes from the house and I got in early and done in no time. Totally not like Louisiana where everything takes 10x as long as it should.

So far, so good!

Break Time!

2010-09-09T21:56:00.003-05:00

Well Folks, I know I haven't been posting a lot but I have been packing and resting for the past couple weeks.

The move is now upon us.

Tomorrow, our Internet will be shut off [groan] and I will be without Internet for about 2 weeks since I don't fly out right away.

So, please take care of yourselves and I will see you again once I have gotten to Denver and have settled into the new home!

Anxiety

2010-08-30T19:25:00.002-05:00

I have been fighting off anxiety attacks for the last month.

Now, my attacks are different from most people. I don't hyperventilate or anything like that. With mine, I get this physical feeling of dread that washes throughout my body and afterward, I am physically exhausted. It's a weird feeling to have the attacks. And trust me, it isn't fun when I have them.

So what am I anxious about?

Obviously, it's the move.

More than that, the biggest anxiety is regarding doctors. I am very comfortable with the doctors i have now. In fact, I feel very safe with them. I know that they actually care about me and want the best for me. Now I will be leaving that. I'm sure I will find good doctors in Denver but it just won't be the same.

Also, I have my assistance all set up here ... food stamps, medicaid, prescription help. Now I will have to re-apply for everything. I'm sure I will get approved but it's just a hassle having to redo everything on top of so many other changes.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy about moving. I'm thrilled that Darin is working a job he loves and that he'll have room for advancement in company that actually values its employees. It's just hard when you have anxiety issues and such a big change happens.

Okay, enough of the pity party!

Time for more packing.

Moving Update

2010-08-27T14:15:00.002-05:00

The good news is that I have gotten more packing done.

The bad news is that I have more packing to be done.

At least now we have a plan for the move. We start the move on the 11th and I get to fly up around the 20th of September.

So, I will be OFFLINE for about a week and a half.

Yes, I will go through withdrawal pains.

I will get to have basic cable for the 10 days at least. Plus, I have been downloading books and movies, etc., to help keep me busy. Oh, and the cleaning will keep me busy too. I want to give the house a nice cleaning before I leave and I will have my mother-in-law helping me (since it is her house afterall!).

I will be so much happier when Darin and I are together again! This has been a LONG month!

Getting Ready For The Big Move

2010-08-17T20:35:00.002-05:00

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but I have a valid reason.

I have been packing.

Okay, maybe that isn't taking up a lot of time but I really haven't had much to say.

The only thing that has really happened was a battle with my psychiatrist and her nurse. Seems someone in their office didn't make a copy of my prescription and the psych p.a. wrote down something different in my chart than what they told me. After a lot of back and forth, I won the argument. Unfortunately, it meant no increase in my dosage, so really I lost.

Other than that, I have just been packing clothes. Next, some kitchen stuff, books and linens will get packed and we'll be just about set for the move sometime after Labor Day.

Oh, and those worrying about me traveling will be glad to know that I will be flying up to Denver. No way could I endure a 26-hour trip in the car. I have a hard enough time flying! Fortunately, there are direct flights from New Orleans to Denver every day.

So, y'all are caught up now.

Love y'all!

Are Y'ALL Ready For LSU FOOTBALL??

2010-08-09T10:59:00.002-05:00

Everyone in Louisiana is gearing up for another big season of LSU Football. Here is a video to help get y'all in the mood.

Could You Imagine ...

2010-08-04T16:13:00.002-05:00

Could you imagine if you lived in Tennessee and this guy got elected??

Remember the 528LB Mom?

2010-08-04T13:30:00.003-05:00

You may remember when I posted about a 528-lb woman who gave birth to a baby girl.

The great news is that she gave birth to a healthy 6lb baby girl.

The sad news is that 5 months after giving birth, the mom, Victoria Lacatus, developed a high fever and eventually succumbed to a heart attack.

Hopefully, that baby girl will one day know that not only did her mother risk her life to have her but also that she was a sick woman who couldn't save herself to take care of the thing she loved the most. I just hope that the family makes sure she knows just how much her mom loved her and what she risked for her.

I still think it was too risky for her to get pregnant, but I'm glad the baby was born healthy.

Can't Get A Date? Call 911!

2010-08-04T13:11:00.002-05:00

Did you know that 911 is a dating service?

Apparently this woman thought so ...

Something tells me that she needs to lay off the sauce ...

Bonnie Who?

2010-07-25T11:40:00.002-05:00

We got a lot of anxiety from the prospect of TS Bonnie dumping rain on us and we got NOTHING!

The folks over in New Orleans got a couple hours of rain early, early this morning but the most we had here was some thunder and lightning around 4am.

That's when Dakota woke me up trying to get under my bed.

[Imagine an 85lb golden trying to squeeze her ass under my bed]

Fortunately, I got back to sleep with no trouble and didn't wake again until after 9 this morning.

Good News

2010-07-23T23:47:00.002-05:00

Well, I got some great news today at my cardiologist appointment.

First off, they weigh me and it seems I have lost 13 pounds.

Already it was a great doctor's appointment.

Then, the doctor tells me that my halter monitor was perfect - Not one single pause in my sinus rhythm! That's a huge change from last time when I had over 150 pauses. That means I do NOT have to have the pacemaker put in. Best news I could have gotten.

Now I should be excited about this, but I'm not.

For some reason I still cannot get my brain to make my body feel excited. This has been going on for awhile and I was hoping the Prozac would help but so far, nothing. Hopefully a higher dose will do the trick.

Storms!

2010-07-22T18:24:00.002-05:00

Her name is Bonnie!

That's right, we have our first named Tropical Storm coming this way. Hopefully, it will bypass us and go off toward Texas but it sounds like the experts think it will be hitting Louisiana.

Yeah us.

Doing Okay

2010-07-19T18:11:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been almost a week since Darin left for Colorado.

I'm doing alright.

I'm not great and I am missing him like crazy, but I'm coping with it.

Six weeks will go by in no time.

At least, I keep telling myself that.

Maybe it's even true.

On the home front, I go to my cardiologist on Friday to find out the results of my 2nd halter monitor. This test will tell us if I need a pacemaker or not. I don't really want to get one.

Other than that, nothing much to report.

Tomorrow Is A Sad Day

2010-07-13T16:48:00.003-05:00

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

Darin leaves for Denver.

Don't get me wrong - I am excited about this new job and moving to Denver.

It's just going to be hard to not have him around for six weeks. I won't be alone, but it just won't be the same. My mother-in-law has even been invited to come spend some time here at the house. That way she can keep an eye on me for Darin and also get some stuff done in the yard. My own mother even brought up the idea of her coming to spend some time down here but the weather would probably kill her, so I didn't think that would be a good idea.

Speaking of my mom, I'm sure some are wondering how that relationship is going. I think my mom has finally understood that a lot of things have been done to me that caused the rift we have and is trying hard to make an effort to fix things between us. I can't say that things will be fixed overnight, but at least we are talking on the phone some - much more than before.

Back to what I was saying ... I know 6 weeks will be over in no time. Plus, I will be packing and getting what I can ready for the move. I just know that it will be difficult for me to not have him here. Lord only knows what the dogs will do without him.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers ... he will be driving up starting tomorrow night.

CPAP

2010-07-07T17:28:00.001-05:00

My friend Melissa wanted a photo of my new mask. Here it is.

Big, Big News!

2010-07-01T21:09:00.002-05:00

It has finally happened.

Darin got a new job!

That means a major change in our lives.

After working two more weeks here, Darin will go up to Denver, CO, for 6 weeks to work. They are giving him a signing bonus that we will use to rent a house and he'll have a couple paychecks to fund our move up north. Fortunately, they will be reimbursing our moving costs as well.

Yep, a lonely 6 weeks for me! Just me and the dogs.

Fortunately I have his family around to come look in on me and to make sure I get to my doctor appointments.

So, it's off to the mountains of Colorado for us!

CPAP, Prozac and Vampires.

2010-07-01T20:23:00.004-05:00

Howdy y'all!

Figured since it has been 2 weeks since my last post that I would catch y'all up.

We are finally getting somewhere with my health. I now have a CPAP machine and while it's a hassle, it hasn't been too difficult to get used to wearing it to sleep. Took longer just to get the machine itself!

I am off the Atenolol for my blood pressure. In fact, my blood pressure has been better since I came off of it. It is possible I was on a medication that was causing the issue in the first place. I still need to do another halter monitor but I am hoping to be off the blood pressure medication for good. One less is definitely a good thing.

I have also had my depression medication changed. My psychiatric nurse finally agreed with me that the Effexor is NOT working and I am now on Prozac. We are really hoping that this cocktail will finally do something to my depression level. My sleep medication (Remeron) has also been doubled and I am sleeping much better now. Also, the night terrors have stayed away, so I am grateful about that.

Okay, enough about medical crap!

Today was "date day" with my wonderful husband. We both went to his cousin's salon to get our hair cut. I was close to pulling the hair out myself because it was so long. That was followed by lunch at a Chinese place that Darin likes. Lunch was just okay. Then we got to go see Twilight: Eclipse over at the RAVE Theater. All in all, a great day.

Wax On, Wax Off

2010-06-17T18:08:00.002-05:00

There are many things I would do for charity.

I don't think body waxing is one of those things.

Apparently there are others willing to do the deed, though.

An "intimate beauty waxing" benefit took place in a London pub to support a local hospital. The gentlemen participating each offered to have their chests waxed. In turn, patrons would bid to pull the strips off the men.

One guy went a bit further than the rest.

As they say on Sex & The City, he went for the "Brazilian".

And paid the price.

Apparently, one of the strips got caught on his testicle and when a buddy gave it a big tug, 6 of the 7 layers of skin came with it.

[pause for the guys to cross their legs]

"People were bidding quite a lot to have a rip. I was laughing but I did feel quite sorry for him, especially as we had a disco later on and he couldn't walk."

Nice to know these guys have their priorities straight.

Bet he will think twice next time before volunteering for charity benefits!

Holy Cow!

2010-06-17T16:24:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I have not written anything on here in almost 3 weeks!

Why didn't someone tell me?

A few things have gone on since I last posted ...

All my heart tests (labs, EKG, ultrasound) all came back normal. I was shocked that even my cholesterol came back fine. In my family, that's a rarity. Now just to get the rhythm thing under control and we'll be good.

On the sleeping front, I just spoke to the company today who will be providing my CPAP machine. I finally will be fitted for the machine on Monday morning. Hopefully I will be able to say I had a great night's sleep on Tuesday.

That's all that's going on right now.

Oh, one more thing .... keep us in your thoughts. We could be making a big move in the near future or it could just go on the wayside like so many other opportunities have. It's time for some good news.

Update

2010-05-31T18:32:00.002-05:00

This past Thursday I had my second sleep study.

Fortunately, I did not end up in the ER this time.

In fact, the test giver told me that I did not have any of the pauses in my sinus rhythm as I did during the first study and when I was wearing the halter monitor.

Hopefully this means that the CPAP machine will solve the problem and I won't need to have a pacemaker put in after all. I do still have the stress test and the ultrasound to do on Tuesday as well. Also, once I have the CPAP machine, I get to do the halter monitor once again.

On a happier note, we got to have our friends Phil and John come join us for some grilling fun today. We did up some steak and pork chops on the grill and did potato salad, cucumber/tomato salad, baked beans and garlic bread. And yes, it was yum!

Rough Week

2010-05-26T23:17:00.002-05:00

Well, folks ... I got some not-so-great news this week.

Crystal didn't win American Idol.

Ok, just kidding. I am sad she didn't win but I knew Lee was going to get the tween vote.

Back to me.

As you know, I had the sleep study done. Turns out I do have apnea. But that's not the news I am most worried about.

I saw the cardiologist on Tuesday and it turns out that the halter monitor showed not only one pause but many. I also found out that there were many pauses during the sleep study as well as the 5-second one I knew about.

So, tomorrow night I go back for the CPAP-titration so that a machine can be ordered for me. Thank goodness for Medicare and Medicaid!

So you're probably wondering what the news is, huh?

The news is that if the CPAP doesn't correct this problem with my heart while I am sleeping, I will need a pacemaker put in. That's not something I really want to think about. In fact, I am not thinking about it because we do not know that I need one yet. I figured that will be the easiest way to deal with the subject.

So, I have a lot on my plate. Anyone wanna trade?

What's Up?

2010-05-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

It has been a week since my last post, I know. Mostly, it is because I really didn't have anything to say.

Now I do.

Did you miss me?

Last night I had my first sleep study. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Sure, the wires and all were a bit uncomfortable and so was the bed, but I got through it.

Until they woke me up.

That was when they informed me that I wasn't going home yet. I got a trip to the ER instead.

It seems that around 4am I had a 4-second pause in my sinus rhythm and that worried the test people. So, I got to spend about 4 hours in the ER instead of going to my doctor's appointment. So, it was EKGs, blood work and x-rays for me. All were good, so off we went to the cardiologist's office across the street. Now I am wearing a very fashionable halter heart monitor for 24 hours. Hopefully, all is good.

So that was my exciting night/morning. I know you're jealous now.

Feelings

2010-05-13T17:11:00.002-05:00

I don't write this to scare anyone but I feel like I need to get it out of my head. Maybe by writing it down, I can stop thinking so much.

As y'all know, I have been dealing with chronic pain in my back and legs since 2006. It has been almost 4 years since I was last able to work. It's been a tough road since then and the stress has just escalated. Even getting my federal disability hasn't done anything to diminish the stress or the depression I have been feeling. You would think it would.

But, nothing has changed.

The stress is still there.

The depression is just as wretched as ever.

I'm beginning to wonder if medication will even help.

How can I get better if all the things that trigger the thoughts are still there and not changing?

Don't get me wrong, Darin does a wonderful job of taking care of me. There are just some things that he cannot help with even though he tries so hard. I don't have to worry about as much as I used to but I still worry anyways.

I worry about EVERYTHING.

Everything from money to jobs to the doors being locked to being sick. Some days I wonder how I do anything but worry. Fortunately, I have not been suicidal.

Until now.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't say that.

It's more like I think about dying or being dead a lot more than I used to. I am really am feeling like nothing can be solved and that I will just continue to be depressed and anxious until I go insane. Lately, I've just been thinking about things I would rather not and my usual coping mechanisms are beginning to break down and cease working. I wish I could say a trip to my therapist would help but I don't. Nor are the medications working and I have at least another month on the current cocktail.

So, now you know what has been going through my head.

A scary trip down the rabbit hole, eh?

Doctors, Patches and Humidity

2010-05-12T17:00:00.002-05:00

I'm sure y'all are ready for an update on what's been going on in my world.

You might remember I mentioned that I am going back on an old medication.

And I have.

One thing I did NOT miss about this medication is that it comes only in patch form. With the humidity as it is down here, the patches don't stay on very well.

It took a long two minutes for it to fall off.

So, out came the bandages.

And they didn't want to stay on either.

So now I have like 4 bandages holding this thing on for dear life. I already know the skin will be irritated because it itches like crazy but I'm being good and not messing with it. Tomorrow, I will have some medical tape to hold it on. Let's hope that is enough to hold it on.

My second doctor experience this week was with my pulmonologist. After a 2-hour wait, I finally got to the back and found out that the results of my methocholene test (from a couple MONTHS ago) were negative. That means I never had asthma even though my pediatrician had deemed me asthmatic. So, that went misdiagnosed for 25+ years.

I will be starting a medicated nasal spray to try to clear out my congested sinuses and if that doesn't work, I will go on another medication. Also, I will be undergoing a sleep study in the near future. Cant wait for that. Can you sense the excitement I have about this? ha.

Lastly, the weather is kicking my butt. Yes, I have been here for 10 years and I am used to the weather. Unfortunately, the medication I have been on makes me more susceptible to the heat and the A/C in this room just isn't cutting it. The humidity is so bad today that I had to cool off the main part of the house, which we normally do not do. Fun.

It's AWARD Time!

2010-05-08T19:51:00.003-05:00

I found this on a friend's site and I dug it so much that I decided to give out the award myself to a few blogs. If I've given it to ya, please feel free to post it on your own blog for everyone to see!

The Fan Award Goes To:

Idle Eyes And A Dormy
AJohnP
Spo-Reflections
Welcome To Our Adventure!
Citizen Kurt

May you all display it proudly :)

And for the rest, feel free to check out their blogs by clicking on their name!

Searching For Music

2010-05-08T15:51:00.003-05:00

I'm bored with my music collection.

So, I am asking my friends and readers for suggestions.

The only music I hate is rap and metal.

Other than that, I'm usually willing to try anything once.

Help!

Something That Irks Me

2010-05-07T23:09:00.004-05:00

Let's face it, I watch a lot of television.

Well, more accurately, I listen to a lot of television.

During the day, it is inevitable that I will have to endure stupid commercials.

There is one for an online college that just irks me. In it, one person says, "If I can do it, then anyone can."

I know it doesn't sound all that offensive but I will explain.

Imagine you're someone who is used to being pretty independent. Then, all of a sudden something happens leaving you completely dependent on other people for most, if not all, things. That's how the last 4 years has been for me.

Then you hear "if I can do it, then anyone can," and you just want to scream at the television.

What if someone knows they can't? Imagine how that person would feel.

Like an inept failure.

I fight with that feeling daily.

I'm 33 and what do I have to show for my life? I have the spine of a 75 year-old, I'm gaining weight because I am stuck in bed all the time and am living off the federal and state assistance that I receive.

It's not the life I envisioned for myself when I was 18 and deciding what to do with the rest of my life.

Back to my earlier point of this post ...

When you include a statement like they did, you run the risk of alienating people and making them feel even more worthless than they already did.

But enough of my pity party.

Fast Food FAIL

2010-05-02T00:32:00.003-05:00

I thought that KFC was going in a healthier direction? Bacon, Cheese and two slabs of fried chicken makes up their new 'sandwich'.

Can we say heart attack?

Gotta Love Foreign Translations

2010-05-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

Can You Believe ...

2010-04-30T22:35:00.002-05:00

Yes, this is that penile vacuum therapy thingy that you see on television during late night programming.

Can you believe it is covered by MEDICARE??

That's what they claim.

As a person on Medicare, I was shocked when they said that. Seems to me that it's not something that should be covered. What do you think?

How Not To Consume Hot Sauce

2010-04-30T22:17:00.003-05:00

I've heard about people using hot sauce on their eggs and in tacos, but this is a new one for me.

Apparently, an inmate in an Ohio state prison was found with a bottle of hot sauce stuck in his rectum.

I will pause here because I know that you are picturing this.

At first, he said he was raped with it. Later, he admitted to pushing the bottle into himself as a sexual device. I know they get lonely in prison but that's a bit ridiculous.

Now the taxpayers of Ohio get to pay for the surgical removal of the hot sauce bottle.

I know there are crazy fetishes out there but if it can get stuck, just don't do it.

How I'm Doing ...

2010-04-29T22:27:00.003-05:00

This week I had my 3-month check-in with my pain specialist. Unfortunately, she is out on leave and I had to see the Nurse Practitioner, but that's okay. She's actually really good at what she does. I just wish that it hadn't taken so long.

Don't they realize that people in pain can't afford to wait an hour to be seen? It's hard enough just getting there, let alone lasting that kind of wait. Plus, it takes an hour just to get to the doctor's office. So, ouch.

That aside, I'm glad that the NP is a good listener. The medication I am on now only really helps me 50% or so. I'm not looking for 100% help ... that would be impossible and not what pain management is. Well, my medication is changing again. We talked about going back on a medication I was on before that actually worked the best but was super expensive. Now that I have Medicare Part-D, I can easily afford it. Thank goodness for that!

So, I have two weeks of weaning off one of my current meds and then I start on a low dose of the new med. Sounds like fun, eh? I can't wait for the two weeks to be over!

Hopefully in a month I will be able to do a lot more and will finally stop gaining weight from being bed-bound. We'll see.

New Widget

2010-04-22T19:17:00.005-05:00

You might have noticed that I have posted a new Widget button over there on the right side of my blog. This button will take you to my friend John's Zazzle Store.

Now, you might wonder why I'm promoting this. I wish all of y'all knew John. He and his partner have adopted a couple of kids who came with some major challenges. He has been running this 'store' to make it possible for him to be a stay-at-home dad and be able to spend the time with the kids that they desperately need.

Plus, I earn some cash when people order from him through this link. Who wouldn't like that?

So please, check out his store and buy some great gifts for friends, family and even for yourself!

I Hate Days Like These ...

2010-04-22T17:46:00.003-05:00

I hate scary days.

By scary, I mean days when my depression is so bad that I just want to crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Tuesday was one of those days.

And it has taken until today for me to fell okay to talk about it.

Nothing really caused it. In fact, Monday I was totally fine. I even cancelled my therapy appointment for Monday because my back was really hurting. I thought I'd be fine without going. To be honest, I don't think going to the appointment would have helped anyway.

I just got into a complete funk and couldn't get out.

I tried resting, sleeping, staring at the television -- nothing seemed to work. I was so glad it got to bed time and my sleep medications did their job and I was able to sleep the whole night.

I woke up Wednesday in a completely different mood.

I wish I knew why the depression was so aggressive on Tuesday. Just when I am thinking I am feeling okay, this happens and I feel like I am back to square one again.

Oy.

Wanna Make Your Dog Happy?

2010-04-16T23:49:00.003-05:00

If you wanna make your dog really happy, you need to give them Frosty Paws. Basically, it is ice cream for dogs. Comes in original and peanut butter flavor.

Unfortunately, we haven't tried the peanut butter one with the dogs yet since we haven't found it anywhere.

I can tell you, though ... my dogs LOVE their Paws. They tear into this stuff. It's probably the only treat we can give them that lasts more than 30 seconds. They pick up the cup in their mouth and bring it to their bed and go to town on it.

We get ours at Walmart, so look there for it. Trust me, your dog will love you for it.

A New-Found Pleasure

2010-04-16T22:56:00.003-05:00

Looking for a new flavor of ice cream? Here's a great choice.

Chocolate Cake and Vanilla Ice Cream.

And don't forget the chocolate sprinkles and chocolate frosting!

I'm not a chocolate lover but I couldn't stop eating this stuff!

I just wish there had been more chocolate cake pieces throughout the ice cream.

Now I Have Heard Everything ...

2010-04-13T16:45:00.004-05:00

I've read about people texting while driving.

I've seen people eat while driving.

Awhile back I even mentioned someone putting on makeup while driving and causing an accident.

This is a new one for me.

Have you ever seen someone SHAVE while driving?

That's right folks. Someone was actually shaving while driving and caused an accident in Key West, Florida.

Oh, did I mention the driver was FEMALE?

No, she was not shaving her legs while driving.

Worse, she was shaving her private area while behind the wheel.

Her ex-husband was in the passenger seat and held the wheel while she primped herself. Apparently, she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and she wanted to be ready for him.

Yes, there is so much wrong with this situation. I would love to know why the ex-husband was in the car if she was on the way to meet her boyfriend. He even tried to claim HE was the person driving the car. Fortunately they could prove she was driving.

Better yet, the day before the accident, the woman was convicted of a second DUI! She didn't even have a license at the time of the accident.

I would really like to know what was going through her mind when she decided to give herself a haircut behind the wheel.

Updates and Venting

2010-04-13T16:21:00.002-05:00

Let's start with the updates.

Oh, and I apologize for not blogging that much. I'm not sure why I haven't been doing more. Partly it's that I don't usually have anything to post about myself. The other part I guess is just lack of motivation.

Right .... updates.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying and sending out good thoughts for Darin and the potential job in Denver. After some unexpected drama on their end, it looks like Darin will be getting a job offer! Of course, we are not getting excited until the phone call comes and Darin has the verbal offer.

As for me, not much has changed. I'm still battling severe depression and trying to find the right mix of medication to help get me out of bed [this is what the venting is partially about]. The Effexor isn't cutting it, that much we know. Today I saw my psychiatrist and we doubled my sleep medication (which is also an anti-depressant) and ordered some lab work to be done.

Okay, time for some venting ...

I'm really pissed about my psychiatrist. I wait 3 months to see her and even after I get there, she's running behind. Fortunately, it was only 20 minutes late getting in. But then I only get 5 minutes with her. What the hell could we possibly do in 5 minutes? Plus, we KNOW that my meds aren't working. She was only willing to change my sleep med and nothing else. How long do I have to be on a medication before we know it's not working?? Not to mention that I had been on said medication before and it didn't work.

Then I find out that since I have Medicare Part D, I have lost all my free medication. I would think that they would at least give me the rest of the medication the companies sent for me, but no. Oh well. At least my prescriptions are cheap.

Maybe it is time to go to a real psychiatrist. The clinic has been great to me but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere.

I just want to get better.

Today is the Day!

2010-04-01T15:54:00.002-05:00

That's right! Today is my birthday. Gonna celebrate with my honey tomorrow at our favorite restaurant, The Little Village in Baton Rouge.

Anyone Got A Life Jacket?

2010-03-31T15:17:00.003-05:00

I saw my counselor on Friday.

Way overdue.

We talked a lot about the family visiting, my medications, my family.

And drowning.

No, not in water. My counselor asked me what would happen if I totally gave up control and in my opinion, I would drown in my depression. I try very hard not to think about the things that drive my depression. I'm not really excited to find out what would happen if I let myself drown in my depression.

In fact, my counselor asked how close I am to drowning ... I said 6 out of 10.

Anyone got a life jacket?

So, now we just need to get the medications changed. It's clear to me (and my counselor, I think) that my current anti-depressant and anxiety med (Effexor/Abilify) aren't working. I'm on my third dosage level of the Effexor and second of the Abilify. So, we'll see what my psychiatrist does from here.

Good times.

Again, anyone got a life jacket?

Update ... or Lack of One.

2010-03-25T16:20:00.005-05:00

I know y'all been wondering where I have been.

Going crazy? Probably.

Nothing has really been going on. We're still waiting to hear about the job Darin is up for, I haven't been to the doctor and we haven't heard anything about my tests.

We did have some house guests, though.

Last week my brother-in-law and his family came to visit. That also meant that my parents-in-law came to stay with us as well. And more came to visit while people were here.

You can imagine that my anxiety level was pretty high.

Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws. In fact, sometimes I feel like they're more my family than my own. It's just a lot of people around and when you're in my position, it feels like double the amount of people.

But, I survived.

We had a good visit and it's always nice to see them. Maybe next time I will have the right meds to help me cope better!

Still Waiting

2010-03-12T21:48:00.002-06:00

So, I know I mentioned that Darin was interviewing for a job near Denver, Colorado.

Well, as far as we know the job is his. Of course there had to be some complication.

Shortly after Darin left for the airport to come home, the chef resigned.

Yep. Put his two-weeks in.

So now we are waiting.

The good news is that they already have transferred someone from another location and they are starting work on Monday. The bad new is that Darin may need to go back up to interview with the new chef. We are really hoping that since the Corporate Chef likes him, they will still go ahead and offer the job to Darin as planned.

So, here's the thing.

We need all the positive thoughts my readers can muster. I know a few of y'all pray as well ... so please say a prayer or two for us. It's time we caught a break and this would be a good one.

Thanks, y'all!

Now That's What's Important

2010-03-11T22:36:00.002-06:00

The nation is suffering from financial recession.

We have the highest unemployment rate in decades.

We have possibly the highest levels of crime ever.

Apparently, none of this seems real important to Maryland state legislator Henry Heller.

He has his own mission.

For him, the buck stops with ending marriages between 1st cousins.

That's right folks. Keeping 1st cousins from procreating is the answer to all the evils in the world.

But wait.

It's okay if 1st cousins over 65 want to marry since they won't have kids.

He wants to bring Maryland into "the enlightened world of other states such as West Virginia and Arkansas."

There are so many things wrong with this man's mission. I just don't know where to start.

Holy Mother!

2010-03-11T14:53:00.003-06:00

You are looking at a photo of mom-to-be Victoria Lacatus being loaded into an ambulance.

She weighed 528 pounds at the time.

"I wanted this child with all my heart, whatever the sacrifice," Lacatus was quoted as saying.

Is that really fair to the child? Is that really a mature and loving thing to say?

Just because she wanted a child doesn't mean that she should have totally disregarded the potential dangers to the baby.

Not only are there possible complications during the pregnancy but think about the delivery itself. She needed FOUR times the normal amount of anesthesia during the c-section operation. That alone could kill the baby before delivery!

Fortunately, the baby was born alive and healthy. Who knows what kind of problems could present themselves as the baby grows, however.

Something inside you has died ....

2010-03-08T21:14:00.003-06:00

Those words were said to me during my therapy session today.

Crazy, huh?

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that I am "numb" emotionally. Something bad happens, no change. Something great happens, no change.

That's how depressed I am.

Today my therapist said it seemed to her like something inside me died. I guess I can see what she is saying. Sounds scary doesn't it?

My worry is, what do I have to do to fix something like this? It's not the easiest thing to fix, I would think. Heck, I'm not even sure what "it" is that has "died". My best guess is that my spirit has been beaten down so much by pain and depression that it has left me spiritless.

It will be nice to find a way to fix my "spirit" and be 'me' again.

Truly Blessed

2010-02-27T16:11:00.003-06:00

We struggled for much of this past year.

We weren't prepared for Darin to lose his job.

We were still fighting for my disability.

Now, things are looking up for Darin as more opportunities are finally coming his way and I have my disability. Plus, some other things have come my way.

First, I received approval for partial Medicaid. They will pay the $100 monthly premium for Medicare and the 20% for doctor visits that Medicare doesn't pay for.

Secondly, because I have both Medicare and Medicaid, I automatically qualified for the Extra Help program for prescriptions. I don't have to worry about a premium, the coverage 'gap' and the cost of medication is only $2.50 for generics and $6.40 for brand name drugs.

And yes, my pain meds are covered! That means I will pay $5 for what I have been paying $150! How awesome is that?

Finally, the ladies at Assumption Mental Health have really worked hard to help me get better. They did applications for 3 of the meds that I take and now I will receive all 3 for FREE for the next year.

I can say that I have been truly blessed and I'm grateful that there are people working to help me get better.

And it's nice to know my gram and grandfather are looking out for me from up above. I really wish my gram was here so I could tell her about all the blessings coming my way finally. She would be so happy for me.

Thank you to all who have been praying for me. I know many of y'all have been :)

Good Thoughts Needed!

2010-02-27T15:51:00.002-06:00

We have a big deal going on down here.

Darin is flying out to Denver for a job interview.

Now, the job isn't the same level he was at before in Biloxi, but the pay should be about the same general bracket and there will be room for advancement. Plus, it is with a large National company, so if they do want to move him up in the future, there are plenty of places for him to go.

I won't go into detail because I don't want to jinx it.

Please, please, please send out good thoughts for him on Monday and Tuesday. We really need something like this!

Update

2010-02-27T15:25:00.002-06:00

Well, I figured it is time for an update for y'all. I know that I didn't blog much this week because I have been down with a head cold. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for a sniffle to become a full blown cold, complete with a wonderful cough.

Some of y'all may remember that I was to have a breathing test this past Monday.

I never want to do that again!

Basically, the test is just like the Pulmonary Function Test (PFT) that I did several months ago. The PFT is actually quite simple - first you breathe in deep, then blow out quick and hard for 6 seconds and then take another quick deep breath. You do this a bunch of times and it's over. Not quite with this new test. With this one, you do the same as the PFT but you also have to breathe in a medicine called methocolene before each round of breathing. The medicine tastes a lot like chloroseptic - without the pleasant cherry flavor.

Once that awful test was over, I asked the test giver's opinion. They were looking to see if I would react to the medicine. The test cannot tell if I actually have asthma, but it can tell if I don't. According to the test giver, I didn't react until the final round and even then I didn't react that much. So, it looks like my doctor was right about my breathing.

I don't have asthma.

But, then ... what is wrong with me?!?

Good Question

2010-02-22T14:48:00.001-06:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mardi Gras 2010

2010-02-21T18:14:00.018-06:00

This was when Saints' coach Sean Payton jumped off the float with the Lombardi Trophy and let people in the crowd touch the trophy.

New Widget

2010-02-13T21:50:00.002-06:00

Well, if you're a regular here you may have noticed that there is a new widget over there on the right hand side.

This is a ad for my friend Becky's site over at the Pampered Chef. If you click on that button, any order you make with go towards Becky's sales.

You know you wanna help her out by buying some awesome kitchen items.

Go ahead.

Click it.

No, really.

Why aren't you clicking??

Well, I'm sure you'll check it out. Thanks y'all!

Going Too Far?

2010-02-13T15:29:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if I think this is silly or not.

In Atlanta, they use primary colors to name their transit lines. How could that be controversial?

Apparently, using the color 'yellow' is how to make it controversial.

I know, it's not red or blue and that is scary, right?

Turns out that the Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority decided to name the new transit like yellow. Problem is, it runs through the heart of the city's Asian community.

It's now called the Gold line.

Does anyone really think that the Transit people were being racist? Red and blue were taken folks. I think some people tend to take stereotypes too close to heart and call anything even remotely close to them racist.

Am I the only one who thinks they took this a wee-bit too far?

Going Too Far?

2010-02-09T19:39:00.002-06:00

A Massachusetts man was sentenced to 18 months in prison.

Why?

He stole a hot dog.

Police say Antonio Judd grabbed the hot dog after flashing what appeared to be a gun in a park in Worcester, MA.

He devoured the hot dog, spraying mustard all over himself.

At least now in prison he won't have to steal just to eat.

Maybe it's better that he will be in jail for a year or so and won't be wondering when he'll have his next meal.

Say What?!?

2010-02-08T21:44:00.002-06:00

Today was my first appointment with a new pulmonologist.

I had seen my primary care doc a few months back about my breathing issues and I *finally* got to see the specialist today. Nothing like waiting 3 months to breathe well, huh?

I was prepared to hear a lot of things from the doctor but I was not prepared for something she did say.

Let me point out that I was the chubby, asthmatic kid. I was always puffing on an inhalor during gym classes and never really got any relief from them. I was the kid who had to sit out of most sports and never got to play sports outside of school because of my asthma.

I found out I may never have had asthma.

What?!

Yep, that's what the doctor said.

Given my childhood, you can probably see why I was dumbfounded at this news.

Seems that during the pulmonary function test (PFT), they didn't see anything to indicate that I had ever had asthma. The doctor is leaning towards some other defect that presented as asthma all those years ago. She is thinking that we're seeing it progress so much now because I'm stuck in bed so much and not being nearly as active as I used to be.

So, more tests for me. I will be going down to New Orleans to have a test done that is similar to the PFT but this time they will inject me with a medicine that will make me wheeze. Great huh?

Hopefully we'll know more soon.

Important Day in Louisiana!

2010-02-07T10:35:00.003-06:00

If you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about tonight's Super Bowl.

I'm not sure if people outside Louisiana know just how important this game is to the morale of not just New Orleans but also to that of the entire state of Louisiana. This is something they've been waiting 43 years for down here.

We need something to cheer about down here. People are still recovering from Katrina and Gustav. This is something big that has brought people together into a common bond. Just look at the French Quarter after the NFC title win - it was insane chaos - BUT - no crime.

So, lets cheer for those SAINTS. The Colts don't need this like we do!

WHO DAT? WHO DAT?

Good News

2010-02-05T22:39:00.002-06:00

Well, today was the day when we got the results of the testing on the cyst I had removed.

Fortunately, they found nothing.

No cancer, no anything.

Weird, huh?

But ... I'll take it.

I'd managed to go the past two weeks without thinking the worst - which is a big accomplishment for my psyche these days.

On top of this, we still haven't heard anything about the possible new job for Darin. So please keep those prayers going!

Fingers Crossed

2010-02-01T13:38:00.003-06:00

Well folks, it's time to cross your fingers and start saying some prayers.

Darin is up for a great job.

Two weeks ago we got a call about a great job in New Orleans that we didn't think we'd hear from since they hadn't called yet. Plus, we figured that they'd have tons of applicants for the job, just like all the other jobs he has applied for.

Anyways, the call came and he interviewed last week with the Chef at the hotel (not saying which so I don't jinx it!). That part went great and now he is doing a tasting for the Chef, Food & Beverage Director, General Manager and I'm sure a few others. He is down in New Orleans today prepping his food for the tasting and tomorrow he will be going back down to cook and serve his food. The menu he choose sounds awesome and I know he will knock them out with his cooking.

Hopefully by this time next week he will have an offer for the great job and he'll be much happier!

Worst Mother of the Year

2010-01-30T20:22:00.002-06:00

Who in their right mind would let their child ride on the top of their vehicle?

Better still, who would let them be inside a box on top of the car??

A woman in Alabama was charged with endangering the welfare of a child when she put her daughter inside a cardboard box and let her ride home on top of a minivan.

Just when you thought it wasn't dumb enough ... she explained to police that the girl was holding the box down because it wouldn't fit inside the van.

The woman told police it was safe because she "secured the box to the van with a clothes hanger."

How is it possible that this woman gets to be a parent but in many places, like in ALABAMA, loving gay couples are still turned down as adoptive parents.

It's All About The Marinate

2010-01-30T16:17:00.003-06:00

I know it has been awhile since I blogged about the stupid things that idiots do. Well, its time to start doing the posts again.

Let's meet 21-year-old Robert Jenkins of Canton, Ohio.

Apparently he caused a small disturbance at his neighborhood Walmart.

According to police, Jenkins was arrested after he walked up to the meat counter and starting aiming.

Ok, it wasn't a gun.

It was his penis.

That's right, he pissed all over $600 worth of steaks.

The police officer did not comment on whether or not alcohol or drugs were involved.

Come on. A sober person does not open fire on the meat counter at Walmart.

Glad I don't buy my meat at Walmart, that's for sure!

Fun with Scalpels

2010-01-26T20:34:00.001-06:00

I think I mentioned a while back that I was going to have minor surgery. It was just to remove a cyst that had formed on my left thigh. My theory is still that since I have had to lay on my side so much, the cyst formed.

Well, Monday was the day.

I will say, I was feeling anxious. Not about the procedure but about having to be in a small room with people I don't know.

When we first got there at 8am (after leaving the house at 6:30am), I was informed that it would be delayed at least 2 hours. No way was I going to reschedule after waiting a month or so for the appointment in the first place. Fortunately, they called me to the back at 9ish, so it wasn't a terribly long wait. Of course, they put me in the tiny exam room and left me there waiting for 20 minutes. That made me extremely claustrophobic, which is rare for me.

The actual surgery started around 9:40 and really didn't last long. The cyst itself was actually quite large - kind of as big as a nickel in diameter. They also told me that there was blood inside the cyst. That was odd, they said, but not alarming. So now, it's off to the lab and on the 5th I will find out anything more.

Until then, happy days to y'all.

Better Late Than Never

2010-01-22T19:14:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about resolutions. A lot of people make silly resolutions around the new year that they know they will never be able to keep or even plan on keeping. So, I decided to wait and give some thought to any kind of resolution I might make.

1. Win the fight against this depression. It has hampered me way too long and it's time I find a way to beat this.

2. Learn to love myself more.

3. Find a way to put my past behind me and move forward.

4. Find a way to become more social and stop being so anxious around people.

5. To stop being paranoid.

I think it is a pretty good list of things that I have put together. I have been working on all of these things in therapy and it would be nice to find some solutions over the next 11 months.

Just curious ... what are y'all's resolutions?

Bonne Anniversaire

2010-01-19T18:47:00.003-06:00

Well, yesterday was our anniversary.

It's hard to believe that it has already been 6 years together.

So, I'm sure you want to hear about what we did to celebrate.

Maybe I won't tell y'all.

Ok, I will.

We actually got a bit of luck in deciding where we would go out to dinner. Because Darin's boss had given us a $60 gift card, we were able to have a really great meal together at a place in Prairieville, LA, called The Little Village.

Here is the top of their flier:

That's right.

They've got Big Balls.

Meat balls, folks.

Get those minds out of the gutter!

First, we had a few starters: Seafood Arancine (fried rice ball with crab and shrimp and covered in marinara and cheese - YUM!), Crab Two-ways (crabcake and crab au grautin over a crab ravioli) and their Village bread (sesame bread fresh out of the oven with olive oil, basil, garlic and romano cheese - This is to DIE for).

For entrees we kept it simple with eggplant parmigiana and veal parmigiana. But, the highlight there were the meatballs I added. OMG they melted like butter in your mouth. (Am I making y'all hungry yet?)

Lastly, just when we were full, our waiter brought us a special dessert for our anniversary (yes, on the house ... wasn't he sweet??). He brought us this AMAZING frangelico (hazelnut liqueur) mousse.

So, all in all, it was a fantastic way to celebrate our anniversary.

Next, we're taking Darin's parents there for their 59th anniversary next month.

And maybe my birthday in April.

If you're in the Baton Rouge area, plan on going there as soon as you can! And ask for John, he's a hoot!

Week in Review

2010-01-17T13:27:00.004-06:00

I know y'all have been wondering what's going on in my world.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

That's why I haven't been posting this week. I honestly did not do much at all.

The only thing worth mentioning is that last Saturday was Darin's birthday. I took him to Sno's Seafood & Steakhouse in Gonzales and thankfully, Darin really enjoyed his meal. He'd been craving a fried seafood platter and that he got. Even he couldn't finish that entire thing.

I got a sirloin but it wasn't the best I've ever tasted.

Knew I should have gone with the ribeye.

Oh, well.

Oh, the highlight of the meal for me was this:

How awesome does that look?? Darin got a free dessert (caramel custard) but I got this Mississippi Mud ... chocolate mousse and whipped cream. I couldn't finish the entire thing but dang it was good.

Tomorrow, it's off to the doctor's office and then to dinner to celebrate our 6Th anniversary. So, I will have more to blog about this week. See y'all then!

Grief

2010-01-06T16:25:00.002-06:00

In my latest counseling session, we talked a lot about my grandmother. As y'all know, she passed away just a couple months ago. You might also remember me talking about how close the two of us were.

I have to say, it's still hard. I still catch myself going to the phone to call her and then realizing I can't. When things happen or I think of something that I used to tell her about, I get down because I can't. I'm starting to believe that when I said I prepared myself for her passing, I was merely trying to convince myself that I was.

I really wasn't.

Talking about my grandmother brought our discussion to grief in general. People in my situation have to deal with death of the life they once had and embrace the life they now have. I used to be a very gregarious person. I could talk to anyone and enjoyed being social. Now, not so much. Going to social situations brings on anxiety attacks, don't want to talk to people unless I have to and I'm not real big on even leaving the house much.

My therapist asked me how I dealt with the grief of losing the life I'd known.

How did I get to the point where I knew I needed to be in therapy?

That's an easier question to answer. For a while, we blamed the majority my not being able to get out of bed on my back and the medication I was taking. Unfortunately, once we got the pain medication straightened out, we realized just how bad my depression was. To be honest, it was probably causing at least 75% of my inability to be mobile initially. Now, it's usually the reason for me staying in bed so much. That's when we knew I had to get some help. Even if it doesn't work, I needed to be in therapy.

The former question is harder to answer. I'm not sure I ever have dealt with the grief of losing my former life. I can fake it real well. I'm only easy going and more patient about things because I know I cannot afford to add any more stress into my life, but because I can deal with it better. So, that's a question I will have to really think on.

Food For Thought

2009-12-30T18:39:00.002-06:00

I bet you're probably wondering what little nugget of wisdom I plan to impart to y'all. Truth is, this isn't one of those kinds of postings.

I've just been thinking about a few things lately, as I am sure y'all know.

I started thinking about food because of my friends who talked about eating too much during the holidays.

How important is food in our lives? Not just the necessity of food to keep us alive, but food in general. Think about it. Birthdays, holidays, gatherings, celebrations, comfort. Food plays a huge role in our lives. But what happens when it plays too important of a role?

I have been a heavy guy for as long as I can remember. Actually, I do remember being thin when I was 5. Soon after, I began gaining weight. My last therapist believed that my weight gain was a result of being sexually abused. To some degree, I would agree with her. There was, however, a factor she didn't consider.

My mother.

No, she didn't force-feed me or anything. But I learned early on that food was the answer to just about anything. If you're hungry, eat. Bored, eat. Upset, eat. Happy, eat. Depressed, eat. I think you get the idea.

I wont say that I blame her 100%. I'd like to think I could have kept myself from eating do much as I got older. Unfortunately, I don't think I could. I was a kid who was hurting in ways that no kid should have to deal with, let alone deal with them on their own. No one was asking if I was alright and I wasn't able to say, "I'm not okay." Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be as screwed up now as I am. Fortunately, I have finally learned to not feel guilty for not saying anything.

Nowadays, I don't overeat that much. Usually, it's that I forget to eat that is the problem. Lately, though, I had found myself finding comfort in food. Not a great thing when I'm stuck in bed and gaining weight from it. So, I post this as a way to remind myself that food is not an answer to depression, joy, boredom, etc. It sucks that I unconsciously still reach for junk food to placate myself.

Christmas, Friends and Medication

2009-12-28T14:35:00.004-06:00

First off, Darin & I would like to wish all my readers a Happy Christmas and a fun, safe New Year's.

Christmas was a good one in our house this year. Last year, Darin had lost his job and I had no income and we were forced to move back to Louisiana. So you can imagine that just about anything would be better this year. I got my back pay so we were able to make up some for the past year.

Darin has really come a long way from that first year when he gave me a Dawn Dish Brush. No really, he thought that was a good gift. As he said, "it moves." This year, he surprised me in a good way with a Blu-Ray player and the Harry Potter : HBP blu-ray. He got a Cuisinart Food Processor, so you know he was in heaven. We also spent Christmas day with Darin's family. I'm sure my Meme would be so happy to know that they took very good care of me this year for her.

As you can imagine, its been tough on me. Dealing with her passing, my issues, my past and my current state of depression has taken a toll on me. At least I finally have people around me who care about me unconditionally. I'm sure this might upset some people to read that but it's how I feel.

Yesterday, we got to spend time with our friends Chris and Jason, who are visiting from Philadelphia. They have lots of people to visit with, but it was nice that they were able to meet us for lunch. Here they are at Chili's:

Don't they just look too cute together? I also took another photo during lunch. Those of y'all who are up on your gay-speak will understand why this is so funny. I know Jason did!

(I am sooooo waiting for comments on this one! Yes, I mean my gays! Well, and Karen. ha!)

Now, you've gotten the low-down on my holiday weekend. I know some are wondering how I am feeling.

Well, I wish I could say I felt great.

Or even good.

I'd settle for just 'ok'.

I've been going through the motions so that those around me won't worry about me any more than they already do. Of course, this is tiring. This is how I know that the meds need to get changed tomorrow when I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner. That and I really hope I get some kind of anxiety medication. Maybe then the 'good' feeling won't have to be faked quite so much.

Big News

2009-12-28T14:03:00.002-06:00

I hadn't realized that I hadn't shared my news with my readers.

Yes, I know I have been lax in my blogging lately. And yes, I will explain why.

First, my news.

After 3 1/2 years, I am now officially a cripple.

That's right folks. I have been declared disabled and will start receiving Medicare and hopefully, Medicaid. Also, it will be nice to get a small income each month. Emphasis on the small. But, some is better than none.

Fortunately, my back pay arrived in time for Christmas. It wasn't anywhere near what I'd hope for, but at least we could have a good Christmas to make up for a year of missed occasions and holidays.

Thanks to those who've been praying for this and to those who supported me through this fight. You have no idea how much it has meant to me to know that I have people in my corner.

Saints, Bowling and Books

2009-12-15T18:37:00.004-06:00

I had a really busy weekend. And yes, I am paying for it now.

After doing some grocery shopping on Friday, I spent Saturday recuperating and resting up for Sunday.

On Sunday we first went to one of Darin's high-school classmate's houses for a viewing party for the Saints' football game against Atlanta - which the Saints won! How exciting is it to have the home team at 13-0 for the first time in franchise history?? It was basically a potluck type event (we brought gumbo) with some of her friends and a number of people from their high school days. The best thing I ate was this cream cheese/pudding trifle kind of stuff that Darin's friend Rene made. And yes, I'm getting the recipe.

After the Saints viewing party, we headed over to Circle Bowl in Baton Rouge for Darin's work Christmas party. To be honest, I was completely bored and hurting from the first party. Barely anyone said more than hello to me and people kept blocking me from seeing the games. At two points, I made Darin let me take a shot since I couldn't participate more. I was so happy when we left!

After all that, we should have gone straight home. But, I wanted books from the library. I'm glad we did go because they had one on hold and never sent us a notification email! And it's a brand-new one I've been waiting for. We also got Craig Ferguson's new autobiography. If you're a fan of his late night talk show, it's a must-read!

So, it was a good weekend, although I'm still paying for all the time I spent out of bed. Yippee.

New Medication

2009-12-15T18:13:00.002-06:00

Well, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Fortunately she has a lot of notes from my counselor so I did not have to talk too much about my issues. I had to quick her a quick background on my situation but she had the bulk of it already, saving me from having to do it. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in therapy for a reason ... but it's easier to not have to talk about things.

We knew finding medications that would work for me was going to be tough. I've tried a number of medications in the past, with little-to-no success. Also, if there is a side effect that less than 1% will get, I'll be that 1%. Wellbutrin gave me suicidal thoughts, cymbalta made me violently nauseous for 2 1/2 months, lexapro gave me migraines ... you get the picture.

So, we're weaning me off of the celexa (which has done nothing) and re-introducing Effexor (it had worked briefly for me in the past, then stopped) and adding Abilify to my daily medications. I'll be going back on the 28th to see her again and at that appointment she may start me on Xanax or another anxiety medication. We'll also discuss my sleeping medications. Most nights I am doing pretty well with what I am taking but she wants to get it to where I'm sleeping well every night.

What is great is that I got the meds for FREE.

Yes, I said FREE.

Starting January 1st, I will have medicare too and that will pay for 80% and the state will pay the other 20% until I get approved for medicaid. I am so glad we finally found places to help me. Wish we'd found them sooner!

Oh, we have a long-term goal too. Sandy (my psychiatrist) wants to eventually send me to an activity center. Basically, it's an adult daycare. People go there to interact with people, do activities, eat lunch with others and to participate in group therapy. I have issues with being around groups of people now (because of being a shut-in), so that's a ways off. But it's nice to have goals.

Sad News

2009-12-10T12:08:00.003-06:00

If you're a long-time reader of my blog, you might remember when I wrote a posting about Shiloh Pepin, the little girl known on TLC as "the mermaid girl." She had been born with "mermaid syndrome" where her legs were fused together as one. Through appearances on Oprah, TLC and various other shows, Shiloh stole the hearts of millions and educated a lot of people on her condition.

I just found out that on October 24th, Shiloh passed away in Maine Medical Center after two weeks of fighting pneumonia.

Shiloh was a fifth-grader at Kennebunkport Consolidated School. "She was such a shining personality in that building," said Maureen King, chairwoman of the board of the regional school district.

She was such an inspiration to so many people and it's nice to see that despite the doctors predicting a survival of a few days, she spent 10 happy years on Earth.

Psychiatrist Awaits

2009-12-09T20:27:00.002-06:00

Well folks, the time has finally come that I will finally get to see the psychiatrist at the clinic I've been going to. I've been seeing a counselor there for the past three months and while that has been helpful, it's not enough. It's time we finally figure out my medicine so that I'm not so anxious or depressed.

I'm on a few things now: vestiril, remeron, celexa.

Unfortunately, the celexa doesn't help at all. The remeron is working perfectly and I am actually sleeping pretty well most nights. The vestiril should help more than it does, but at least it has helped ward off the night terrors that kept me from sleeping so many nights.

Well, I had another appointment with my counselor on Monday. Mostly we talked about my meds and the letter about my disability approval. That's really how I knew my anti-depressant isn't doing anything. You'd think that getting monumental news like disability approval would at least lift my spirits some, if not a lot. But no, it wasn't even a blip on my emotions. Thankfully, my counselor agrees with me.

So, tomorrow at 9am I will see the psychiatrist for the first time.

We'll see how it goes and report back to y'all.

New Fan Page

2009-12-09T01:45:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't been blogging a much as I used to, or even as much as I would like to. Things have been tough around here, but should be looking up soon. To try to motivate myself to blog more, I have created a fan page on Facebook that is nearing 100 fans - way more than I have following me!

If you're on Facebook, check out the fan page here. My plan is to use it to post blog reminders, get feedback/suggestions and also to encourage people to read other blogs/articles that I find interesting. If you're not 'friends' with me on Facebook, you can find me here.

Hope to see y'all there!

Good News, For A Change

2009-11-30T23:29:00.002-06:00

So, I've been throwing a lot of not-so-great news at y'all. I thought it was finally time to post something good. Well, I finally have something good to post.

Suspense killing you yet?

How about now?

I'm really gonna say it this time.

Gotcha that time, huh?

Okay, enough of that. I'm just gonna spit it out.

After 3 years of fighting ... my disability has been APPROVED! I got the letter the day before Thanksgiving telling me that the judge had ruled 100% in my favor. So, I should get 29 months of back-pay plus 6 months of reimbursements for medical expenses. Also, I'll get medicare and will be eligible for medicaid. Great Thanksgiving/Christmas gift, huh?

The Search For Answers

2009-11-25T21:19:00.004-06:00

First off, I know it has been a week since my last post. Did y'all miss me?

I know, I know ... y'all are wondering why I haven't been posting much for the last month or so. I wish I had a good answer. All I can say is that it has been harder and harder for me to get my mind to focus long enough to write a post. Even just this much in this post has taken me 20 minutes to come up with. Fun, huh?

So, last time I told y'all that I was going to have pulmonary function tests (PFT's) done. Wow, it was so much fun. Okay, not really. If you've never had this test done, here's how it works. First, they draw blood. Unfortunately, they have to get it from the artery in your wrist, so it hurts more than just the run-of-the-mill blood tests. Then, you have to blow into a tube. Sounds easy, huh? It's not. You have to do these sharp deep breaths and blow out for up to 30 seconds. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the end and my back was really hurting.

We haven't found out anything yet, though. The doctor read the results and said some things were slightly abnormal and I will now be seeing a pulmonologist. Of course, the appointment I was given wasn't until February. Apparently, my breathing is not too important to these people.

Also, I recently found a lump on my leg. (Don't you just want to be me with all these health issues?) When the doctors took a look at it, they believed it to be a cyst. Although, they said it could also be a tumor. Yippee. So, it will have to be surgically removed. I will go to that clinic on Dec. 21st. At least that appointment wasn't put off 4 months, too.

Then there is my mental health appointments. At my last appointment, we did a lot of talking about my mother. I know y'all have read a bit about her on here. I try not to talk too much about her simply because it makes me ill to think about my parents. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was beaten as a child or starved or anything. But, I was neglected and did not receive the medical or mental health care I desperately needed. Also, my mother is a complete narcissist who has a pathological need to make things about herself. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to see this obsession.

My therapist asked me to think about writing my mother letters to express the things I need to say to her. This is one of those exercises where the letters are just for me and wouldn't be mailed. As I said, writing on my blog has begun difficult for my brain to manage. Imagine how difficult the letter thing is. Hopefully, I can manage to do something for it. But, it's okay if I don't. That's a good thing about therapy - there are no wrong answers or ways to do things.

So, now you're caught up!

Worse Role-Model: Mom or Miley?

2009-11-18T04:02:00.003-06:00

Leslie Martinez won't be winning any mother-of-the-year awards anytime soon. She thought it was a good idea to drop her 9-year-old daughter off at a Miley Cyrus concert by herself.

What was she doing instead, you might ask?

Martinez headed to a casino to pass the time.

The girl was scared and hungry and sought out a security guard. Arena personnel took the girl to the concession area and returned her to her seat for the remainder of the show. A worker stayed in eye-contact range with the girl throughout the show.

The girl's mother actually told police that she had dropped the girl off 2 years prior at another Miley Cyrus concert and had no problem.

What in the world was this mother thinking?? Who lets a 7-year-old go to a concert alone?!? Don't they realize how many pedophiles could be lurking at a concert that is geared towards children?

The woman was cited for misdemeanor child neglect. Seems to me she deserves something harsher.

Horse of a Different Color

2009-11-18T01:55:00.003-06:00

This may be the strangest thing I have written about.

A South Carolina man named Rodell Vereen was caught on video having sex.

Wait, that's not the odd part.

He was having sex with Barbara Kenley's 21-year-old horse, Sugar.

Yep, you read that correctly.

Grossed out yet? No? Well, I'm not done.

This was the SECOND time he was caught having sex with the SAME horse.

Poor Sugar!

Kenley noticed that her horse was acting strange and getting infections. She also noticed that things were being moved around, so she did a weeklong stakeout to catch the predator on camera.

When it happened the first time in 2007, Vereen was given probation after pleading guilty to buggery. This time, he received 5 years in prison. He will serve three years of that in jail.

Anyone else get the heebie jeebies from this one?

Making Aydan Happy

2009-11-16T11:54:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago, my old neighbor in Biloxi asked me if I would bake her some cupcakes for her son's 2nd birthday party. Anyone else, I would have said no, but for them I would. So, I baked and decorated. The above picture is Aydan enjoying his cupcake. Notice that he has blue buttercream everywhere. His mom told me that he was even just sucking the frosting off the cupcake. It made me feel great that he enjoyed them so much. Now I have an entire year to rest up for the next time I make them! ha!

Oh, and the Buzz Lightyear next to him was his favorite gift. Since he got it, the only time he has set it down was to eat his cupcake. His mom told me he's had it in his hands for the last 2 days. Kids are funny that way!

She Passed!

2009-11-12T17:25:00.002-06:00

Do you remember back in February when I posted about a Korean woman who had taken, and failed, her written driving test a record 771 times?

Well, 772 is apparently her lucky number! She has now passed the written portion of the driver's license exam.

Now she has to take the driving portion of the exam.

If you have relatives in South Korea, warn them. She might have her license soon!

SYTYCD: Top 16 Performs

2009-11-11T18:18:00.004-06:00

I apologize for no recap last week. I've said it before, I hate that the judges decided who was eliminated without the viewers being involved for the 2nd week in a row. As a result, we lost two tappers, Bianca & Phillip. So, let's have a moment of silence for the tappers. Fortunately, the yummy Peter is still left. Can't wait to see his cute butt again this week!

And now, to this week's recap.

Karen & Kevin - Hustle w/ Maria Torres - Karen was great but, unlike the judges, I thought Kevin was a bit of a mess. At one point he had terror on his face and in another, he dropped her! I really think Kevin should have been gone already.

Ashleigh & Jakob - Jazz w/ Mandy Moore - I am so glad to see more Mandy Moore routines on the show. Last season, I think we only got 1 or 2 total. I've already said that Jakob is my pick to win this season. He did NOT disappoint me this week! He danced brilliantly. Ashleigh was able to hold her own pretty well in this one, but I wonder what will happen when they get a hard-core contemporary number. I think they should be safe. At least I hope they are!

Pauline & Peter - Quick Step w/ JT & Tomas (new choreographers) - This is always the dreaded genre to get. The performance made it so that I didn't notice the flaws too much and besides, how could I notice anything with Peter looking so fine in that uniform. I could watch his butt in that uniform for hours. I thought the choreography was adorable, but I thought they could have toned down the schtick a little. I'm hoping they're safe so that I can see more of Peter.

Kathryn & Legacy - Broadway w/ Andy Blankenbeuhler (new) - It probably would have helped the performance if the song used was actually from Broadway and not from a Disney cartoon (Jungle Book). Maybe it's just me. Firstly, I had no idea what Kathryn's character was. If she was supposed to be a "vixen", they shouldn't have dressed her like a drag queen Dorothy. Secondly, you could tell that Legacy was unsure of the choreography because he kept looking at Kathryn to see what came next and when. I think they should be in the Bottom 3 tonight.

Channing & Victor - Contemporary w/ Stacey Tookey - For their first time together, they were lucky and unlucky to get their own style. I saw unlucky because they're expected to be great because it's their own style, but this is the first time they dance together which always means they're behind the rest in terms of having chemistry. For the first time, I think that Channing showed just how soft and beautiful she can dance. As for Victor, he danced as well as I thought he would. Channing could be the dark horse in this competition.

Ellanore & Ryan - Hip Hop w/ Lil C - Honestly, I didn't get it. I'm not sure if Ryan did either. Let's be honest, Ryan is a brilliant ballroom dancer. That does NOT mix well with Hip Hop. That said, I thought he tried really hard and was a decent job. Overall, I didn't think this was a great performance and they'll see themselves in the Bottom 3.

Mollee & Nathan - Salsa w/ Gustavo Vargas (new) - When I think of Mollee, I do NOT think of "sexy" at all. Unfortunately, that's what you need for a good, if not great, salsa performance. This is a DISASTER. It was like watch High School Musical: Ballroom Edition. That's not a compliment. They could be in serious trouble this week.

Noelle & Russell - Afro-Jazz w/ Sean Cheesman (new) - Of all the new choreographers debuting this week, this one is my favorite. He brought something out of Russell that was just amazing. In fact, Russell outdanced Noelle! I think Noelle could have danced with a bit more fire, in my opinion. I could see them in the bottom, although I think Russell has finally shown he belongs in the Top 20.

My Bottom Three

Ellanore & Ryan
Kathryn & Legacy
Mollee & Nathan

I could also see Pauline & Peter in the Bottom 3 as well. I'm afraid that they will be and will get eliminated, although I could see Ryan being cut as well. I still think the worst performance of the night was Mollee and Nathan's but they've had two great weeks before this one that would save them.

UPDATE:

The bottom 3 were Ellanore & Ryan, Pauline & Peter and Karen & Kevin. I honestly thought the 2 to go home should have been Pauline and Kevin. It ended up being Pauline and Peter's last week in the competition. I'm NOT happy that Peter is gone!

Many Could Learn From This Man

2009-10-30T01:58:00.003-05:00

This just goes to show that it's not just liberals fighting for marriage equality.

More Doctor Appointments ...

2009-10-30T01:14:00.002-05:00

Well, I went to my appointment at the hospital clinic for what I thought was going to be my pulmonary function tests. Turns out it was an appointment to get me in their system and THEN they would schedule the tests.

I waited three MONTHS for that appointment. Would have been nice to know it was just a regular appointment. Then again, the NPC at my clinic thought it was the tests, too. The good thing is that now I am in their clinic system, it will be easier for me to get appointments for tests and such. I'm also going to be switching to their clinic for my medical care. They just have more doctors and able to give me better care. And it's free. Fortunately, the NPC at my current clinic understands and isn't taking it personally. Oh, and I got a free flu shot during my appointment.

The next day I got a letter in the mail from the clinic with my next two appointments in it.

Now that was fast!

So, next week (11/4) I go for the pulmonary tests, which I am NOT looking forward to now that I know how they work. And on the 14Th, I will see the doctor again. They also have a neurologist on staff who works with an anesthetician who does non-narcotic pain treatments. Hopefully, they'll be able to help get me a little more relief from my back and leg pain.

I have also seen my counselor since the last time I posted about myself. We actually had a very good session talking mostly about myself. We did talk about my brother and mother a bit, but my counselor has a great way of bringing everything back to me. That is not something I am good at. I have always been a person who concentrated on making sure others had what they needed because I didn't feel deserving of my own attention. It took a lot of years of feeling guilty about spending time focusing on myself. I also felt guilty for being as angry as I have been. Those days are over though.

So, I have homework for my next session. I am supposed to be thinking about what it is that I need from therapy. Honestly, I'm not sure. I do know that I need to find peace regarding the abuse I suffered as a small child. I also need to find a way to move past the mental and emotional abuse I have suffered because of my mother. That brings me to another question. If once I am at peace, do I even want a relationship with my family? Am I needing an apology from them or for them to even acknowledge what they've done? Well, better get thinking.

SYTYCD : Top 20 Performs

2009-10-30T00:27:00.002-05:00

First, lets attack the elephant in the room.

I'm pissed that Mia is gone.

OK, I'm over it.

Week 1 usually shows us who can deal with the pressure and with a foreign dance style. For the most part, the dancers handled both pretty well. Unfortunately, the viewers wouldn't have a say in the outcome of the first elimination. I think the judges got it half right in the end. But first, my recap.

Channing & Phillip - Jive w/ Jason Gilkison - Phillip is kind of creepy and the facial expressions during this performance didn't help change my first impression. As for Channing, she seemed a bit hesitant. Minus the horrible lift in the middle, it was a decent performance overall.

Ashleigh & Jakob - Broadway w/ Tyce - First off, Jakob's outfit was hideous. Sequined tuxedo pants, a rugby shirt and a black bow tie? The costumer should be fired. Not sure I believed the chemistry between the two but Jakob's dancing was amazing.

Ariana & Peter - Hip-Hop w/ Nappie Tabs - If you hadn't been told that Peter was a tap dancer, you'd never known he wasn't adept at hip-hop. He really managed to get into the character and all his moves were sharp and hard-hitting. He easily outdanced Ariana.

Noelle & Russell - Foxtrot w/ Tony & Melanie - Well, Noelle injured her knee and wasn't able to dance. Like a few seasons ago with Pasha, Melanie filled in for the performance show. Normally when a b-boy or hip-hop dancer gets a ballroom routine, they crumble. Not Russell. He actually did pretty decently. As for Noelle, if she cannot dance again next week she will be taken out of the competition.

Bianca & Victor - Contemporary w/ Travis Wall - Victor was tremendous and Bianca easily held her own. Definitely will see these two next week.

Karen & Kevin - Cha-Cha w/ Tony & Melanie - Kevin was terrible, I thought. Karen showed exactly why she was one of the ballroom dancers chosen for the Top 20.

Ellanore & Ryan - Contemporary w/ Sonya - Sonya's choreography last season let me down a bit but this one was phenomenal. Easily the best chemistry between the two on the night.

Pauline & Brandon - Smooth Waltz w/ Jason Gilkison - With only being together for a day and a half, they did a decent job. Was one of the weaker performances though.

Kathryn & Legacy - Hip-Hop w/ Dave Scott - Dave Scott did a great job with this one. He made the two of them into cavemen, with Kathryn the one definitely in charge. I am not a fan of Legacy's but he was brilliant in this performance.

Mollee & Nathan - Disco w/ Doriana Sanchez - I cannot stand Doriana. It's like she is trying to kill the dancers with her routines. The lifts were incredible though. Also, Mollee was amazing. That's hard for me to say, too.

Bottom 4

Ariana & Pauline and Brandon & Russell

When they said Russell's name, the audience 'booed' very loudly - and they should have. Brandon was a good choice for the bottom but the other spot should have gone to Kevin. As for the girls, Pauline was a lock for the bottom but I was surprised to see Ariana there. Ariana's problem was the rest of the girls were just really good and she was just a notch lower. As for the solos, only Russell's was worth seeing. His problem will be finding a way to get better in other styles really quickly.

Who got the boot? Ariana and Brandon. Fortunately, we may get to see Brandon again next season!

SYTYCD : Your Top 20 Dancers

2009-10-28T02:19:00.002-05:00

As you may have watched last night, we have a pretty diverse Top 20. Contemporary/Jazz are still the dominant genres for the contestants but this year we have 2 hip-hop dancers, 3 tap dancers, 3 Latin ballroom dancers and even a 'krumper'. Here is a listing of those who will be competing for the title of "America's Favorite Dancer" :

The Guys

Nathan - The 17yo would got to Vegas via Season 5
Brandon - Got in when Billy Bell pulled out due to illness
Russell - First krump dancer to make it to the live shows
Phillip - Tap
Peter - Tap
Victor - Was the one who shaved his head for the judges in Vegas
Jakob - LOVE this guy! My favorite from the auditions
Legacy - B-boy
Kevin - Hip-hop
Ryan - Latin Ballroom

The Girls

Kathryn - Is this chick gonna cry every week?
Channing - Contemporary
Arianna - Jazz
Ellanore - Contemporary
Bianca - Tap dancer who's been on the cusp of the Top 20 for 3 seasons
Mollee - Annoying! Reminds me of Tatiana from American Idol
Noelle - She and Mollee became besties in Vegas. God help us.
Pauline - Sprained her ankle and missed half of Vegas and still made it
Karen - Latin Ballroom
Ashleigh - Made the Top 20 when Paula decided to take a movie contract

In the first performance show of the season, the producers decided to showcase the dancers dancing in their own styles. Good idea since a number of the Top 20 dancers were barely mentioned during the audition shows. Some highlights:

Wade Robson choreographed the first group number of the season. It was inspired by the 1930's club scene and had the dancers as 4 different "gangs" who meet up in a club. The music was awful but it was probably the best Top 20 group number of the series. Watching the tap dancers together made me miss Ryan Kasperzack even more - and his personality. As for the contemporary dancers, Jakob rocked Tyce's routine. All the dancers proved they deserve to be there but I'm sure once they start dancing out of their genres, that will change.

Also, a note for all fans of the show: viewers will not vote during the first two weeks of competition due to the baseball play-offs. The judges will be deciding who goes for the first two shows. Yeah, that's fair.

Today's Date With My Hubby

2009-10-16T21:54:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I have felt up to doing much. Today was the first day of some AMAZING weather, so I didn't want to waste it. We'd already planned on going to Walmart in Thibodaux today but Darin got the idea of checking out a restaurant called Spahr's. It's mostly a seafood cafe but they do have some non-seafood items like poboys, salad and pasta.

This was our appetizer - crab fingers. Unfortunately, they had been overfried and the crab dried up. All I could taste was overcooked breading. Not so good.

As for the rest of the meal, Darin tried their gumbo and was really impressed with it. He's won awards for his, so you know it has to be good for him to praise it so much. He also got the seafood platter (oysters, shrimp, crab fingers, stuffed crab, catfish, onion straws and fries) for us to share. I got a grilled chicken salad with honey mustard dressing. That's in the picture below. Also, I have to point out how awesome of their homemade dill tartar sauce was. I want a bottle of that stuff!

After lunch, we did our shopping at Walmart and our local market for meat. By the time we got home, I was really hurting but it was well worth it.

Can't wait til I feel this okay again so we can do a "date" day again. At least we'll have the great weather the rest of the weekend!

What's Happening ...

2009-10-16T18:37:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time for me to let y'all know something I've been dealing with.

(You can stop bugging me now Karen!)

I posted before that I had been having breathing problems. Basically, I get short of breath way too easily now. I also have a weird problem. At times, it feels like I had the wind knocked out of me - and I'm laying down or sitting. I don't have to be doing anything at all and I just get this feeling like my breath is gone. It only happens for a moment, but it's not a great feeling. Plus, I tend to feel drained after.

Obviously, we're worried about this.

Well, at my last clinic appointment we discussed how I'm doing. I've started getting a weird cough at night and the breathing troubles have become worse and more frequent. I'd also had flu-like symptoms twice - both times with a 102-degree fever. During my last clinic appointment, I was having some of the symptoms again so they gave me a steroid shot and 5 days worth of prednisone to take. Fortunately, they didn't cause me to gain any weight.

They also told me a theory during the appointment.

I don't like it.

My Nurse Practitioner, whom I love, talked to the pharmacist about the medications I was on. I was on quite a few - still am. Well, they're concerned about my pain meds. As many know, I have very strong pain meds. They think it's possible that the meds have compromised my central nervous system. It would explain the breathing issues, as well as a few more. I can't even begin to think about this possibility.

On the way home from the clinic, it hit me.

It hit me HARD.

I'm already stressed, so I started to go into panic mode. What happens if they find out my meds are killing me? I can't live without them. I can't live with them. Not exactly something I need to be thinking about. Or even want to think about. But there I was, riding in the car with Darin, thinking about what my life could become - whichever way it goes. So, I called my counselor. We were 5 minutes away and she dropped what she was doing so that I could come see her. We talked and it calmed me down. If she couldn't have seen me, I would have turned around and gone straight to the hospital. It was that serious.

Possibly the scariest thing is that she told me I sounded like I was ready to admit myself when we talked on the phone.

Ya know, I was close.

Very Close.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of the moment. I relaxed and waited a couple days to see if I could process things. I was able to. I'm still worried and not comfortable with the idea, but I've been able to convince myself to wait and see what happens. Hopefully, I can keep it up.

Kids Get A Motherly Peep-Show

2009-10-13T19:08:00.002-05:00

A Wisconsin woman decided it was a good idea to strip in front of her children.

No, she's not a stripper.

She's a shoplifter.

Julia Laack, 36, of Sheboygan had received a home visit from police after she shoplifted a bag of beef jerky and a lighter from a convenience store. At first, she refused to come to the door. Police heard her screaming and swearing at her three children in her house, telling one that this was his fault.

Then it got weird.

Laack stripped to her underwear because, in her logic, then they couldn't arrest her.

Obviously, this is one woman who has never seen the TV show, COPS.

A pair of panties ain't gonna keep them from cuffin' someone.

Oh, it gets even better!

While trying to arrest her, she managed to spit on officer and kick the other one in the groin. Then, while on the way to the police station, she exposed her rear end against the rear window.

How the hell was the woman able to do that?

And yes, she was drunk.

Way drunk.

Wouldn't you be proud to have this for a mom?

Maybe not, but it would provide a lot of entertainment.

Survivor : Yoga or Not to Yoga

2009-10-08T18:35:00.001-05:00

I know I am behind on my Survivor recaps. So, this is a condensed recap of what has been going on since Day 6.

Last time, it was Betsy who became the latest bit of collateral damage in Russell's quest to become the greatest villain ever on Survivor. The question then became, would it just be voting to get rid of people he wanted gone or would the tribe actually develop of a brain and vote for the better of the tribe?

Fortunately, Jaisson felt Ben needed to go and others finally listened. I thought the look on Ben's face was priceless when Jeff announced he was voted out. That "WTF?" might be the best tribal moment this season.

Over in Galu, most of the women seem to think they're at Club Med. First, Russell chooses towels and pillows over cooking items at the reward challenge, earning him Dumbass of the Weak. Next, this past week's episode shows them doing YOGA! Thank God for Shambo! If it weren't for her, I would write off all women this season.

Although. As much as I love Shambo, she did a stupid thing ... she told Erik how to find the hidden Immunity Idol! And he found it! Dumb move Shambo. It's not like you have an alliance with him. Or do you? We really haven't gotten to see much about the politics at Galu to know whom is aligned with whom.

The leaders were told to pick two tribe members to go one a quest with them. The 3 people from each tribe competed in a game of Survivor bocce ball. Naturally, Galu won on Dave's final shot. They won chickens and while Shambo was trying to get an egg out back at camp, one got away. What a shocker.

During the immunity challenge, the teams had to race across net obstacles while carrying blocks. They then had to stack the blocks into one tall stack. nce they completed that, they races across a rope bridge to get to another pile of blocks. Then, they stacked those in one super-tall stack. Shockingly, Foa Foa won its first immunity challenge!

Of course, the first thoughts of the boot went straight to Shambo. Like her or not, the woman is keeping their tribe going. Russell wanted Monica gone for tanking the challenge. Others wanted Yasmin gone for being a waste of space around the camp. Which is more important? Well, this is the tribe where towels are more important than cooking gear and yoga takes preference to getting water and food. Of course, Yasmin got the boot.

SYTYCD : Vegas Begins ...

2009-10-08T02:21:00.002-05:00

Wow! It's already time for Vegas Week for Season 6. It still feels weird having the show on in the Fall still.

I won't get into a long recap of what happened in part 1 of Vegas week because I don't think they really showed us a whole lot, to be honest. Also, I'm sure the diehard fans have already read some spoilers out there. I've seen one that claims to be the Top 38 (19 girls/boys). I can't see I'm overly excited by that list because only a few are recognizable from last season or the auditions this season.

What I can say is that I am PISSED. Last season, we all fell in love with a couple of brothers named Evan and Ryan. In fact, the judges used their connection to make the final boy's spot "dramatic" by having them go up against each other. Evan was put through and made it all the way to the finale.

Ryan? I think we all figured we'd be voting for him this season. Wrong! He was cut! Just like Natalie last season, another fan-favorite was cut and shouldn't have been. Natalie was better than most, if not all, of the girls on last season. I'm sure the same will be true of Ryan this season.

The only other noteworthy thing that happened was that Teddy was cut. If you don't remember him, think 'plaid golf pants' and you'll remember.

Survivor : Don't Want A Cakewalk

2009-10-07T00:22:00.002-05:00

I apologize for the lateness of this ...

In what may be the smartest move ever in first 3 days of a Survivor season, Russell began searching for the hidden immunity idol - without a single clue. Obviously, this guy thought about how he was going to compete prior to arriving in Samoa. I'm not sure anyone else did, though. From the look of it, it didn't take Russell long to find the idol hidden inside a tree in the middle of Foa Foa's camp. Is he the only one who has watched this show? I'm with him - I'd be searching for the idol my own self.

Say what you want about Russell, but he is playing the smartest game so far.

The same can't be said for Mike (aka Verosi). He seems to think that he isn't the weakest person in challenges. I'm sorry but even the dumb blondes were more useful doing the puzzle in the first challenge.

In the Reward/Immunity Challenge, the tribes had 3 players fighting for possession of balls that they had to get to one of their teammates up on a platform. That player would then try to throw the ball into the opposing tribe's basket. First tribe to 3 won immunity and fishing kit.

You know just by the description that things would get physical - and they did. In fact, Ben was kicked out of the challenge for using a cheap shot - for the first time in show history. The other interesting point in the game was when Mike took a hit so hard, he looked like he didn't know where he was afterward. He just kind of walked around aimlessly with his pants hanging down. Such a strong player, huh? After the challenge, Mike was having trouble breathing and had a bp of 92/60. The doctor pulled him out of the competition. This is why you don't cast an old, overweight, nonathletic guy and throw him into the wild and expect him to be able to handle it.

Once again, Galu won the challenge. After this victory, Galu's leader, Russell, was told to choose someone to go to Foa Foa's camp and observe, interact with the tribe and to receive the clue to the immunity idol. He chose Yasmin to go and I was so glad he did. It's always fun to see people get cocky on this show and she did not disappoint. She actually walked in there and said she was there to help them with strategy because they don't want a cakewalk. Um, when did Jeff say anything about strategy? Besides, there's only been two challenges at this point and she hasn't done anything strategic! From there, she spent a lot of her visit having a toddler argument with Ben. I really wanted to see those two start hitting.

Tribal Council wasn't really exciting. Russell wanted Betsy gone because she questioned his tactics. So, she is gone.

Foa Foa is now down three members to Galu. They better do something fast.

Going Too Far?

2009-10-06T23:22:00.002-05:00

Imagine you're a high school student and a member of the school's dance team. You've been practicing for weeks with your team and right before the team is about to dance on the field, your coordinator makes you sit the bench.

Tough to take, right?

Now imagine the reason you're benched is because your hair isn't straight.

Yep, in St. James Parish (Vacherie, LA), D'ara Pillette was told she could not dance because her hair wasn't styled a certain way. Because of a medical condition, she wears her hair in an afro. The condition, folliculitis, causes the hair follicles to become inflamed, resulting in scalp burns and lost hair.

The school has said that their policy is based on Universal Dance Association rules, however, the UDA has said that their rules do NOT cover specific hair styles and that is up to the discretion of the team.

The school administration is allowing her to dance provided she wear her hair in a bun but that if she goes to nationals wearing an afro, she will not compete.

Is this fair?

I Shouldn't Have ...

2009-10-05T19:26:00.003-05:00

I'm not supposed to do things where I have to be standing for any length of time. But, Darin has been really great the past few weeks at trying to keep me from going over the edge and I wanted to do something nice for him. I really shouldn't have done this after I already overdid things on Saturday to boot.

These are some of the cookies I made for him. Mine are usually good, but these came out perfect. I wish that were the case every time I make them!

And yes, he scarfed the first two.

Another Candidate For Worst Mother of the Year

2009-10-01T23:47:00.003-05:00

I think I might be surprised if this person isn't the worst mother ever.

35-year-old Aimee Louise Sword of Waterford Township, MI, gave her son up for adoption over ten years ago. She recently used the Internet to find her son.

She found him.

Then, she seduced and raped him.

Yes, you read that correctly. The woman raped the son she gave up for adoption!

Prosecutor's have said the boy is still a minor but haven't disclosed if he knew it was his biological mother or not.

"I don't think I've heard of another case like this in my career," said Dr. Gerald Shiener, chief of Consultation and Liaison Psychiatry at Sinai Grace Hospital in Detroit. "I'm at a loss for words because it's something that we consider to be so out of the normal, so prohibited in every culture that it unnerves every man just to think about it."

Sword's attorney Kenneth Burch told the Press that his client "maintains her presumption of innocence" and said the accusations of incest have been very difficult for her.

But Sword herself has spoken since she first was arrested, writing on her MySpace page that she was inspired by rapper and former jailbird Lil' Kim because "she rises during the worst of obstacles."

Anyone else thoroughly disgusted here?

I understand feeling the need to seek out the child you gave up for adoption. That happens all the time. But how deranged do you have to be to seduce your child - knowing they are your child - and have sex with them? She deserves life in prison - just like the sentence she has now given her son.

SYTYCD : Getting 'Wicked' in Boston

2009-10-01T22:38:00.002-05:00

Just as it was an SYTYCD first when the judges hit Phoenix, the show next traveled to Boston, MS, for the first time. This is also the first glimpse we got of Tyce and his overdramatics!

First of all, a BIG announcement. I was one of the people who tweeted to Nigel for this to happen! It is now official - ADAM SHANKMAN is now a resident judge! We'll get to see him during the boot camp and then on the live shows.

How awesome is that? Unlike Nigel, he belongs on the judging panel!

The first person to catch my eye was a dancer named Teddy. Okay, it was actually his pants that caught my eye - they were plaid golf pants. Even scarier is that he searched for them online! Fortunately his dancing was anything but scary. I even saw glimpses of some potential acting ability as well.

Check him out for yourself!

The second was an ice cream scooper name Channing. She was as powerful as one of the guys, but there was also a feminine side to her. The judges sent her to choreography, but she is still headed to Vegas!