When American Idol started this year, I was wondering who would fill Kristy Lee Cook's devil's hooves as the object of my rage. I'm pleased to say that the spot has been filled by shrieking jackal Tatiana Del Toro who will face America's firing squad next week when she sings. And I've got my rifle fucking loaded and ready to go.

I don't really need to go into all the reasons why Tatiana makes me want to shove a mini-hot curling iron in my ear and open it. Just watch the clip above and everything will become clear to you. You'll wish you could give your ears an acid enema. And if you can't watch the whole clip, just to skip to the end and look at the faces of everyone around her. They are wishing for that acid ear enema too.

Tatiana isn't a bad singer, it's just everything else! When she laughs, garage doors go flying, cars combust and dogs run into traffic. Bitch sounds like a hyena on helium getting DPed.

It's like her laugh is taunting me to punch her in the mouth. Everyone else is hearing "Ahahahahahahaha," but I hear "Slap me, bitch! Slap me!" I bet the people in her family have already lost the feeling in their hands from sitting on them so much to keep from whacking her ass.

That said, I hate her so much that I think I love her. When she explodes into a cloud of laughing gas after she gets the boot (which will happen), it will be bittersweet for me. I mean, who else will make me angrily write stfu" on my TV screen using the blood from my bleeding ears?