Why?

I'm just curious, have any of y'all wonder why things happen? I always have trouble when I ponder that question. I am a Christian and I believe that God has a plan but sometimes things happen and a part of me doesn't want to believe that it is what God intended. Does God plan everything we do or do things happen and God makes something come of it?

Sometimes there is a voice in the back of my mind that tells me God has nothing to do with it. It makes me feel guilty that I could think something in the universe can happen without God being a part of it. That brings me to something I have avoided writing about and really, I have avoided verbalizing it. Maybe it is because if I don't say it out loud, it's not real and I don't have to face it. What have I avoided? Well, the short answer is that I am mad at God.

I know, it's not kosher to say something like that. And most of the time I hate myself for even thinking that. Very few people I know online know about my religious past. I was born into a Catholic family but converted in junior high to Baptist. When I got to LSU in 1998, I joined the Baptist Student Union and I never before had found a place like that - where I found a new family. During my years at LSU, I spent two summers doing missionary work and spent 3 of my spring breaks going on mission to Mexico. I even spent time at a Southern Baptist seminary - that is where I began to re-think my feelings towards the Church.

Most of y'all know by now that I am disabled and have been since July of 2006. When this disability took over my life, that was when I became angry with God. I guess I just thought that if God is such a loving God, He wouldn't let something like this happen to people. I thought about what I used to tell people in my position - God has a plan and He would never give us more than we can handle. Well, I'm now in their position and that answer just isn't good enough for me. I have done everything I can to get better and nothing has worked. I feel horribly guilty for my anger but I don't know what to do to reconcile it. No matter how hard I try to understand all this, I just come back to the same question - Why?

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 07, 2009 and is filed under . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .

2 comments

I don't consider myself a Christian anymore (for many reasons), but I still believe that God must exist... I, too, have been angry with God for allowing terrible things to happen to good/innocent people, but I think I am finally able to "deal"... I have basically come to accept that God is more like me -- a parent who has done the best that he can but who cannot ultimately control what happens to his child... It doesn't always take away the anger I feel about many injustices, but it makes me feel less guilty about having those feelings in the first place... I am sure that Boogie will blame me for things that are not my fault as he grows up, and I will never disown him for having those feelings (much like I think God will continue to love and understand me when I have my own "temper tantrums")...

My philosophy is that things happen, and the role of G-d is to help us find the good in them. That's not to say that the good will always--or is supposed to--outweigh the bad. And it's also not to say that God "lets" bad things happen or "makes" bad things happen to some people and not others. Just that our lives are made richer by conflict and struggle (see: books, television, movies), so what can we take from those negative experiences to increase the positive in the world.