Today I had my first appointment with my new pain doctor.

I gotta say ... I like him a lot.

He reminded me of a bigger Anderson Cooper.

Meowwwww.

The appointment went very well. He was going to suggest a CPAP machine, but I am already on one. He wanted to suggest therapy, but I am already doing water therapy. It was nice to hear him say that I sound motivated to get better.

And I am. I'm tired of 'just' maintaining. I am ready to have more of my life back.

And this doctor thinks he can do that for me.

Over the next two months, I am supposed to lose as much weight as I possibly can through diet and exercise. I will be going to water therapy three times each week and totally changing my diet.

No cheese.

No red meat.

No eating after 8 pm.

Help!

The no cheese thing is really painful. I can live without red meat and the no late night eating ... but cheese?? Lord help me!

The good news from today is that the doctor thinks I am a perfect candidate for a spinal stimulator. Basically, it is a wire that is implanted into my back that turns the pain off. It would allow me to function at a higher rate. That sounds great to me.

Well, I have good news.

Nice change, eh?

I found a therapy pool. The best part about it is that it is 1 minute from our house down the street. If you're in Denver, it's at the Easter Seals Colorado facility in Lakewood.

Yesterday I had my first therapy session in almost two years and boy am I sore from it. I did an hour or so of light cardio then rested for a bit and took a class where we did cardio, weights (I had to use 1lb weights unfortunately) and stretching.

I have also begun a diet.

Well, I'm trying to.

I have begun eating my salads with tuna (for protein) again and yesterday I found a deal at King Soopers for $1.65 lean cuisine meals.

Now I just have to avoid the ice cream and potato chips!

Seems like I am always apologizing for not writing blog posts sooner.

So I won't apologize this time.

Nothing much has really been going on except for us getting settled in the new home. As you probably know, we have moved to Denver for Darin's new job. Well, it was new two months ago anyways.

Mostly I have been unpacking and resting. Thanks to my back, I cannot do a whole lot before I have to rest. Fortunately, there is no timeline on getting things settled. It is killing me that I cannot do it faster though. I like things in their place and not everything is yet. Most of it is though.

On the doctor front, I have found a pain doctor and hopefully they'll keep me on as a patient. It would really suck if they do not because I will have to go without medication.

[pausing for kisses from my dog]

Speaking of the dogs, Pokey & Dakota are adjusting well to the new home. Dakota took no time at all actually. Pokey has been adjusting slowly. He doesn't like strangers and there are lots of people around when we go outside to do 'business'. He'll learn to get over it though.

So, now y'all are caught up :)

Well folks, the day has finally come. I am now a resident of Denver!

Yesterday I flew from New Orleans to my new home. Someone must have been smiling on me! First, I got the seat I wanted ("stretch" seating with 5 inches extra leg room) and then no one was seated next to me. So, I got in the middle seat and stretched out. I even got to watch part of the Saints game on the free DirectTV I got on the flight. Lastly, we arrived 20 minutes EARLY. They had some very friendly people drive me through the airport to the baggage claim where, just as we pulled up, my bag was coming around the belt. How is that for timing?

If you ever get the chance, I totally recommend FRONTIER AIRLINES. Not only was my experience great, I only had to pay $99 for the ticket (direct flight) and $15 to upgrade my seat.

Great, huh?

Now I'm just getting to know my surroundings and today, I had a doctor's appointment. I am really hoping they will keep me on as a patient. I don't think they should be a problem with my lab work or my records. The place is only 10 minutes from the house and I got in early and done in no time. Totally not like Louisiana where everything takes 10x as long as it should.

So far, so good!

Well Folks, I know I haven't been posting a lot but I have been packing and resting for the past couple weeks.

The move is now upon us.

Tomorrow, our Internet will be shut off [groan] and I will be without Internet for about 2 weeks since I don't fly out right away.

So, please take care of yourselves and I will see you again once I have gotten to Denver and have settled into the new home!

I have been fighting off anxiety attacks for the last month.

Now, my attacks are different from most people. I don't hyperventilate or anything like that. With mine, I get this physical feeling of dread that washes throughout my body and afterward, I am physically exhausted. It's a weird feeling to have the attacks. And trust me, it isn't fun when I have them.

So what am I anxious about?

Obviously, it's the move.

More than that, the biggest anxiety is regarding doctors. I am very comfortable with the doctors i have now. In fact, I feel very safe with them. I know that they actually care about me and want the best for me. Now I will be leaving that. I'm sure I will find good doctors in Denver but it just won't be the same.

Also, I have my assistance all set up here ... food stamps, medicaid, prescription help. Now I will have to re-apply for everything. I'm sure I will get approved but it's just a hassle having to redo everything on top of so many other changes.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy about moving. I'm thrilled that Darin is working a job he loves and that he'll have room for advancement in company that actually values its employees. It's just hard when you have anxiety issues and such a big change happens.

Okay, enough of the pity party!

Time for more packing.

You may remember when I posted about a 528-lb woman who gave birth to a baby girl.

The great news is that she gave birth to a healthy 6lb baby girl.

The sad news is that 5 months after giving birth, the mom, Victoria Lacatus, developed a high fever and eventually succumbed to a heart attack.

Hopefully, that baby girl will one day know that not only did her mother risk her life to have her but also that she was a sick woman who couldn't save herself to take care of the thing she loved the most. I just hope that the family makes sure she knows just how much her mom loved her and what she risked for her.

I still think it was too risky for her to get pregnant, but I'm glad the baby was born healthy.

We got a lot of anxiety from the prospect of TS Bonnie dumping rain on us and we got NOTHING!

The folks over in New Orleans got a couple hours of rain early, early this morning but the most we had here was some thunder and lightning around 4am.

That's when Dakota woke me up trying to get under my bed.

[Imagine an 85lb golden trying to squeeze her ass under my bed]

Fortunately, I got back to sleep with no trouble and didn't wake again until after 9 this morning.

Well, I got some great news today at my cardiologist appointment.

First off, they weigh me and it seems I have lost 13 pounds.

Already it was a great doctor's appointment.

Then, the doctor tells me that my halter monitor was perfect - Not one single pause in my sinus rhythm! That's a huge change from last time when I had over 150 pauses. That means I do NOT have to have the pacemaker put in. Best news I could have gotten.

Now I should be excited about this, but I'm not.

For some reason I still cannot get my brain to make my body feel excited. This has been going on for awhile and I was hoping the Prozac would help but so far, nothing. Hopefully a higher dose will do the trick.

Well, it's been almost a week since Darin left for Colorado.

I'm doing alright.

I'm not great and I am missing him like crazy, but I'm coping with it.

Six weeks will go by in no time.

At least, I keep telling myself that.

Maybe it's even true.

On the home front, I go to my cardiologist on Friday to find out the results of my 2nd halter monitor. This test will tell us if I need a pacemaker or not. I don't really want to get one.

Other than that, nothing much to report.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

Darin leaves for Denver.

Don't get me wrong - I am excited about this new job and moving to Denver.

It's just going to be hard to not have him around for six weeks. I won't be alone, but it just won't be the same. My mother-in-law has even been invited to come spend some time here at the house. That way she can keep an eye on me for Darin and also get some stuff done in the yard. My own mother even brought up the idea of her coming to spend some time down here but the weather would probably kill her, so I didn't think that would be a good idea.

Speaking of my mom, I'm sure some are wondering how that relationship is going. I think my mom has finally understood that a lot of things have been done to me that caused the rift we have and is trying hard to make an effort to fix things between us. I can't say that things will be fixed overnight, but at least we are talking on the phone some - much more than before.

Back to what I was saying ... I know 6 weeks will be over in no time. Plus, I will be packing and getting what I can ready for the move. I just know that it will be difficult for me to not have him here. Lord only knows what the dogs will do without him.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers ... he will be driving up starting tomorrow night.

It has finally happened.

Darin got a new job!

That means a major change in our lives.

After working two more weeks here, Darin will go up to Denver, CO, for 6 weeks to work. They are giving him a signing bonus that we will use to rent a house and he'll have a couple paychecks to fund our move up north. Fortunately, they will be reimbursing our moving costs as well.

Yep, a lonely 6 weeks for me! Just me and the dogs.

Fortunately I have his family around to come look in on me and to make sure I get to my doctor appointments.

So, it's off to the mountains of Colorado for us!

Howdy y'all!

Figured since it has been 2 weeks since my last post that I would catch y'all up.

We are finally getting somewhere with my health. I now have a CPAP machine and while it's a hassle, it hasn't been too difficult to get used to wearing it to sleep. Took longer just to get the machine itself!

I am off the Atenolol for my blood pressure. In fact, my blood pressure has been better since I came off of it. It is possible I was on a medication that was causing the issue in the first place. I still need to do another halter monitor but I am hoping to be off the blood pressure medication for good. One less is definitely a good thing.

I have also had my depression medication changed. My psychiatric nurse finally agreed with me that the Effexor is NOT working and I am now on Prozac. We are really hoping that this cocktail will finally do something to my depression level. My sleep medication (Remeron) has also been doubled and I am sleeping much better now. Also, the night terrors have stayed away, so I am grateful about that.

Okay, enough about medical crap!

Today was "date day" with my wonderful husband. We both went to his cousin's salon to get our hair cut. I was close to pulling the hair out myself because it was so long. That was followed by lunch at a Chinese place that Darin likes. Lunch was just okay. Then we got to go see Twilight: Eclipse over at the RAVE Theater. All in all, a great day.

I just realized that I have not written anything on here in almost 3 weeks!

Why didn't someone tell me?

A few things have gone on since I last posted ...

All my heart tests (labs, EKG, ultrasound) all came back normal. I was shocked that even my cholesterol came back fine. In my family, that's a rarity. Now just to get the rhythm thing under control and we'll be good.

On the sleeping front, I just spoke to the company today who will be providing my CPAP machine. I finally will be fitted for the machine on Monday morning. Hopefully I will be able to say I had a great night's sleep on Tuesday.

That's all that's going on right now.

Oh, one more thing .... keep us in your thoughts. We could be making a big move in the near future or it could just go on the wayside like so many other opportunities have. It's time for some good news.

This past Thursday I had my second sleep study.

Fortunately, I did not end up in the ER this time.

In fact, the test giver told me that I did not have any of the pauses in my sinus rhythm as I did during the first study and when I was wearing the halter monitor.

Hopefully this means that the CPAP machine will solve the problem and I won't need to have a pacemaker put in after all. I do still have the stress test and the ultrasound to do on Tuesday as well. Also, once I have the CPAP machine, I get to do the halter monitor once again.

On a happier note, we got to have our friends Phil and John come join us for some grilling fun today. We did up some steak and pork chops on the grill and did potato salad, cucumber/tomato salad, baked beans and garlic bread. And yes, it was yum!

Well, folks ... I got some not-so-great news this week.

Crystal didn't win American Idol.

Ok, just kidding. I am sad she didn't win but I knew Lee was going to get the tween vote.

Back to me.

As you know, I had the sleep study done. Turns out I do have apnea. But that's not the news I am most worried about.

I saw the cardiologist on Tuesday and it turns out that the halter monitor showed not only one pause but many. I also found out that there were many pauses during the sleep study as well as the 5-second one I knew about.

So, tomorrow night I go back for the CPAP-titration so that a machine can be ordered for me. Thank goodness for Medicare and Medicaid!

So you're probably wondering what the news is, huh?

The news is that if the CPAP doesn't correct this problem with my heart while I am sleeping, I will need a pacemaker put in. That's not something I really want to think about. In fact, I am not thinking about it because we do not know that I need one yet. I figured that will be the easiest way to deal with the subject.

So, I have a lot on my plate. Anyone wanna trade?

It has been a week since my last post, I know. Mostly, it is because I really didn't have anything to say.

Now I do.

Did you miss me?

Last night I had my first sleep study. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Sure, the wires and all were a bit uncomfortable and so was the bed, but I got through it.

Until they woke me up.

That was when they informed me that I wasn't going home yet. I got a trip to the ER instead.

It seems that around 4am I had a 4-second pause in my sinus rhythm and that worried the test people. So, I got to spend about 4 hours in the ER instead of going to my doctor's appointment. So, it was EKGs, blood work and x-rays for me. All were good, so off we went to the cardiologist's office across the street. Now I am wearing a very fashionable halter heart monitor for 24 hours. Hopefully, all is good.

So that was my exciting night/morning. I know you're jealous now.

I don't write this to scare anyone but I feel like I need to get it out of my head. Maybe by writing it down, I can stop thinking so much.

As y'all know, I have been dealing with chronic pain in my back and legs since 2006. It has been almost 4 years since I was last able to work. It's been a tough road since then and the stress has just escalated. Even getting my federal disability hasn't done anything to diminish the stress or the depression I have been feeling. You would think it would.

But, nothing has changed.

The stress is still there.

The depression is just as wretched as ever.

I'm beginning to wonder if medication will even help.

How can I get better if all the things that trigger the thoughts are still there and not changing?

Don't get me wrong, Darin does a wonderful job of taking care of me. There are just some things that he cannot help with even though he tries so hard. I don't have to worry about as much as I used to but I still worry anyways.

I worry about EVERYTHING.

Everything from money to jobs to the doors being locked to being sick. Some days I wonder how I do anything but worry. Fortunately, I have not been suicidal.

Until now.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't say that.

It's more like I think about dying or being dead a lot more than I used to. I am really am feeling like nothing can be solved and that I will just continue to be depressed and anxious until I go insane. Lately, I've just been thinking about things I would rather not and my usual coping mechanisms are beginning to break down and cease working. I wish I could say a trip to my therapist would help but I don't. Nor are the medications working and I have at least another month on the current cocktail.

So, now you know what has been going through my head.

A scary trip down the rabbit hole, eh?