Another Late Night Post

Many of y'all are probably wondering why I post so many posts after midnight - people are usually in bed by then. Well, technically I am in bed - I'm in bed whenever I am online in fact. The answer is that I just don't sleep like a normal person. Thanks to my depression and physical problems, I have extreme problems falling asleep. Now before you say something about medication - I already take Ambien CR. The problem is that it is very expensive considering my insurance ran out on me. So, I only take the pill when I absolutely need to be rested for the next day. Now I'm not trying to whine - just explaining why it's 2:15am and I'm here writing. Ha!

I guess I know why I am still awake. It's not my dog snoring next to me. Yes, my dog is bed with me and my partner is in the other room. It's been this way for over 2 years now and I hate it. I hate the fact that having another person in bed with me is too painful and I hate that my partner feels unwanted because of it. I hate that the simplest things are too painful or impossible for me to do. I don't think that most people think of how they would feel if they couldn't do things like lift a toilet seat without using their foot or take a bath or put shoes on (I haven't worn anything other than sandals in over 2 years). I don't want people to think I am whining. Believe it or not, but I have a hard time talking about what is going on with my health. I don't talk about it with my partner because he is under enough stress and I already feel enough like a burden - despite him telling me that I'm not. I don't think I will ever get past feeling this way even though I pretend that I'm past it. It's just very hard to know you're 31 and can do less than a 75-year-old, which is the age they described my spine to belong to. Okay - enough going on about this. The truth is most of the time I am adjusted to my limitations but there are some days that I just can't make myself be adjusted enough.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008 and is filed under . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


My heart goes out to you. I hope and pray the pain, the heartache you are feeling gets better.

No need to apologize.
I don't think anyone expects you to be smiley and happy at all times.
We all have great days as well as not-so-great days.
The important thing is to make sure that the great ones outnumber the not-so-great ones!
It seems that you have a lot of people (and a dog!) who really care about you and enjoying being with you, regardless of your current situation.
Focus on that, and you'll be smiling before you know it!!

ty :) I'm usually pretty positive - just having trouble doing it this week lol