Well, it's time for me to let y'all know something I've been dealing with.

(You can stop bugging me now Karen!)

I posted before that I had been having breathing problems. Basically, I get short of breath way too easily now. I also have a weird problem. At times, it feels like I had the wind knocked out of me - and I'm laying down or sitting. I don't have to be doing anything at all and I just get this feeling like my breath is gone. It only happens for a moment, but it's not a great feeling. Plus, I tend to feel drained after.

Obviously, we're worried about this.

Well, at my last clinic appointment we discussed how I'm doing. I've started getting a weird cough at night and the breathing troubles have become worse and more frequent. I'd also had flu-like symptoms twice - both times with a 102-degree fever. During my last clinic appointment, I was having some of the symptoms again so they gave me a steroid shot and 5 days worth of prednisone to take. Fortunately, they didn't cause me to gain any weight.

They also told me a theory during the appointment.

I don't like it.

My Nurse Practitioner, whom I love, talked to the pharmacist about the medications I was on. I was on quite a few - still am. Well, they're concerned about my pain meds. As many know, I have very strong pain meds. They think it's possible that the meds have compromised my central nervous system. It would explain the breathing issues, as well as a few more. I can't even begin to think about this possibility.

On the way home from the clinic, it hit me.

It hit me HARD.

I'm already stressed, so I started to go into panic mode. What happens if they find out my meds are killing me? I can't live without them. I can't live with them. Not exactly something I need to be thinking about. Or even want to think about. But there I was, riding in the car with Darin, thinking about what my life could become - whichever way it goes. So, I called my counselor. We were 5 minutes away and she dropped what she was doing so that I could come see her. We talked and it calmed me down. If she couldn't have seen me, I would have turned around and gone straight to the hospital. It was that serious.

Possibly the scariest thing is that she told me I sounded like I was ready to admit myself when we talked on the phone.

Ya know, I was close.

Very Close.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of the moment. I relaxed and waited a couple days to see if I could process things. I was able to. I'm still worried and not comfortable with the idea, but I've been able to convince myself to wait and see what happens. Hopefully, I can keep it up.