I don't write this to scare anyone but I feel like I need to get it out of my head. Maybe by writing it down, I can stop thinking so much.

As y'all know, I have been dealing with chronic pain in my back and legs since 2006. It has been almost 4 years since I was last able to work. It's been a tough road since then and the stress has just escalated. Even getting my federal disability hasn't done anything to diminish the stress or the depression I have been feeling. You would think it would.

But, nothing has changed.

The stress is still there.

The depression is just as wretched as ever.

I'm beginning to wonder if medication will even help.

How can I get better if all the things that trigger the thoughts are still there and not changing?

Don't get me wrong, Darin does a wonderful job of taking care of me. There are just some things that he cannot help with even though he tries so hard. I don't have to worry about as much as I used to but I still worry anyways.

I worry about EVERYTHING.

Everything from money to jobs to the doors being locked to being sick. Some days I wonder how I do anything but worry. Fortunately, I have not been suicidal.

Until now.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't say that.

It's more like I think about dying or being dead a lot more than I used to. I am really am feeling like nothing can be solved and that I will just continue to be depressed and anxious until I go insane. Lately, I've just been thinking about things I would rather not and my usual coping mechanisms are beginning to break down and cease working. I wish I could say a trip to my therapist would help but I don't. Nor are the medications working and I have at least another month on the current cocktail.

So, now you know what has been going through my head.

A scary trip down the rabbit hole, eh?